Bleed Me Dry

I Will Get There

"Watching myself unfold, day after day, but lately I've realised, that I misunderstood. I've been reaching out for things, that do me no good... I'm not looking for sympathy, I've got to find my own way." I Will Get There, Jane Taylor.

Andie

Standing in front of this place doesn't make it any easier to go in. No one is standing by my side holding my hand and for the first time in my life I am on my own. I've lived my whole life through other people and now right here, in this moment I am changing my fate.

I walk through the doors taking in my surroundings, it seems like a happy place, a place where I can reflect on my actions. Where I can let myself think the thoughts I'm afraid to think. I know my friends need me right now but I have their full support in doing this. Millie is just going to stay with Gia and Tanner for the time being. I'm glad Tanner and Gia have worked things out, that she is finally smiling again. I hope one day I can do the same.

The woman at the front desk greets me with a smile. I try my best to give her one back. "Come with me Ms. Potter. I'll show you to your room," she takes my hands and leads the way. I take a deep breath, I know I have to do this if I ever want to get better.

My room is bright blue with coral accents. Everything is positive and organized just the way I like things. Order helps me relax. Maybe Millie told them I liked it this way. I won't be here long but at least I will be comfortable while I am. The lady from the desk gives me schedule for the week. Looks like it's mostly uncomfortable visits with counselors that will pretend to know me. That's what I get for cutting myself though.

Rehab is a scary thought, a person spends their whole adolescent life judging people for ending up in these places but once they're here the jokes over. I don't know when I became this person. I wonder what the younger me would say if she saw me now. One things for certain she definitely wouldn't be proud. Sometimes life feels like one big bad dream, like I'll wake up and be 15 again knowing I can start over and do life better. It all flew by in one split second and I don't even remember how I got here in the first place. I guess that's why I'm here, normal people don't have these thoughts.

I look down at my scars, reminding myself that it's okay to show them. I need to embrace the fact that I've been hurt and am hurting still. I need to be brave and step up to the plate. I need to fix myself.

I talk to what must have been a thousand doctors today. Each attempts to tell me why I am the way I am and what I can do to fix it. Most of them say I'm having an out-of-body experience, where life passes by me and I don't have any feeling of contribution to my own life. It's like the world moves and I can't figure out how to move with it. Psychology is a strange profession, I took a course on it in college but I never understood it. Why does there have to be so many theories to why we are the way we are. No one will ever know, so why do they try. Then I remember that this world is full of people trying to play make-believe with themselves. I can't blame them for doing it, if I could pretend everything was fine all the time I would never come back to the real world.

One doctor's words did stick out to be me. He said, "Andie sometimes we feel the need to hurt ourselves to cope with the fact that things will never be what they used to be. People you once loved will hurt you and it's just part of life. No medication will cure you the only thing that will do that is you. You have to wake every morning and tell yourself that it's okay to broken, but you are strong. You will be more than your past. All those liars, cheaters, and back-stabbers won't hurt you anymore."

It was in that moment I knew my life had changed and that I was so much more than my scars.

The days of the week go by and I still don't know what has happened to me. I do feel better though. It's a refreshing feeling, like I could be a brand new person.I feel like one day things could be okay again. It will take awhile but if I do things right I will get there. As time goes by I will be alright. I'm not pretending to be perfect, there isn't sunshine and rainbows everywhere but it looks like they're coming through the surface.

Millie and Gia pick me up from the rehabilitation center on Saturday morning. They look so happy to see me my heart jumps out of my chest a little. They're faces are the reason I'm doing this, I don't need them to worry more than they already do.

"How do you feel?" Millie asks.

"Not perfect, but I'm getting there," I say. She reaches for my hand and squeezes it and suddenly I've never felt more at home.