Bleed Me Dry

Hurt

"I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel. I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real." Hurt, Johnny Cash.

Andie

I stand at the diner wasting away my life. I live in constant fear of Vincent. I'm slowly breaking piece by piece giving what's left of me to the clouds. Between working and taking care of my friends I thought I would be distracted enough to forget Vincent's return. He hasn't called Wrigley's since he last did but I'm scared. Too scared to talk about it with my friends. They both have too many problems to deal with my minor ones. It has been so long since I've felt real feelings. I don't know who I've become, I feel like some kind of mutant monster.

The man sitting at the counter asks for some pancakes so I go to the back to tell the chefs his order. When I get back there I can hear Gia on the phone with someone. I assume it's Tanner but I can't help but find her conversation odd.

"No, I swear I've never seen her before," I hear her say in a hushed voice.

"I need her ma'am please help me, I need her. She's my whole world," the voice on the other end says. I can recognize that voice anywhere.

"If she comes in there I will call you. Goodbye sir," she continues.

My heart tightens up when I hear his voice, it's so full of panic and love. Years ago I would have run to his rescue. Part of me doesn't know whether to miss him or to run away as fast as I can. I should be running in the other direction knowing he is so close to finding me. It's too late for me to turn back now though. If I leave I will only hurt myself more. But I know that leaving my friends isn't the only thing that holds be back from leaving. Deep down I know I want Vincent to find me, not because I love him, because I want closure. Seeing his face might help me get him out of my head.

The pounding in my head gets louder. I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to hold on to my sanity. Fortunately my shift is over so now I can go home and stare at my walls.

When I get to my apartment I fall to the floor in agony. I don't know why I'm lying down. I stare at the ceiling into nothingness for a while. Then I start to cry, I cry for my lost family, for Millie who is going to die without living the life she always wanted, for Gia who wants to love but can't find the strength. I cry for myself, for my pain, for my happiness, for the life I never wanted but love so much. My only wish is that one day it will love me back.

I go into my bathroom and sit on the toilet, looking at my razor. It tempts me, I never thought I would be this person. The person that consider breaking her skin to distract from her inner pain. My whole life I've judged people that do this. I thought about how much it would hurt, how ugly it looks, how nothing in the world is bad enough that would make an action like this necessary. But I am not that girl anymore. I am unstable and I need something to free myself from all this fear. I pick up the razor, I hold it in my hand for awhile, admiring it's beauty, remembering when I used to be afraid of blood, afraid of pain, now I'm afraid of not doing this.

The razor cuts my hand when I squeeze it around the blade. I look at the blood, for a moment I freak myself out but I learn to love the pain. I take it to my upper arm, down my thigh, I can't stop. The only time I touch my wrist is to leave a tiny scrape on my right wrist off to the side. I never understood why people used their wrist when they were so obvious.

The feeling I get when I see the blood is almost euphoric. I gives me the biggest rush, like I'm on some sort of drug. I stare at myself in the mirror, wondering how I got to this point. Andie, what are you doing? You have to stop this. Gia and Millie will be so ashamed. I tell myself. But I remember it's too late for me to turn around now. I have broken myself in two, it's impossible to forget what has happened to me and this is just my sick way of coping. This is who I am now. I'm still me I just have some new battle wounds, I've always had them, but now they're the kind you can see.