Bleed Me Dry

Piece of My Heart

"I can hear us laughing, I remember every part. I've got everything we ever did, tattooed on my heart." Piece of My Heart, Keri Noble.

Gia

As I watch Millie's body sink into the ground a piece of me goes with her. Millie has a special place in my heart and that's the spot that hurts the most. Andie is giving me pay back for all that hand squeezing during labor. She's gripping it so hard I lost all feeling in it twenty minutes ago.

Neither of us are crying anymore. There's no more tears to cry and we know that's not what Millie would want. She wants us to move on and be happy. Saying goodbye to Millie was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It's funny how one person comes into your life when another one leaves, I've been clinging to my baby for dear life these past few days.

I don't know the people who speak at Millie's funeral. Some friend of Millie's mom's and the priest. These people didn't know Millie, Andie and I knew Millie. For 9 months she gave me something to believe in even when there wasn't anything to believe in.

We say a prayer for Millie and then the funeral is over. Andie is going to the reception but I can't bring myself to go. I haven't touched the letter Millie gave me. I'm afraid of it honestly, I'm afraid that my emotions will come back, I'm afraid of what I will think of myself after I read it. In my head I still hear her laughter and the sound of her voice. Every time there's a silence the song "You Are My Sunshine" plays in my head. On top of all the pain I'm feeling I have to be there for my child. Tanner has been watching her for me but now that the funeral is over I have to be the mother she needs. I made a vow to myself and I will not break it.

Little Millie starts crying and I go over to her picking her up from her crib. I bounce her lightly in my arms but she doesn't calm. I do the only thing I think I can do, I sing to her, "You make me happy when skies are gray." She stops crying and I put her back down. I know I need a breather so I go in the living room and sit on the floor. My back is pressed up against the wall and I look to the sky.

"Why'd you have to leave me Mil?" I cry out.

Something tells me it's time to read that letter. I reach up to the counter and grab onto it. I wipe my eyes to keep it from getting wet. The envelope is still crisp and I carefully open it, the last thing I want to do is rip the last part of Millie I'll ever have. There it is, the letter I've dreaded reading but at the same time I couldn't wait to get my hands on. Here goes nothing...

Dear Gi,

Gianna Hanson I don't want to make you cry because I know how much you hate that. But forgive me if I do because I'm crying while I write this. Please don't miss me Gi. I'm not gone I'm sitting right beside you, I'm in your daughter's room protecting her from all the monsters she comes to meet. The last night I stayed here with you I left a box in her closet, it has letters for her to read as she grows up. When I wrote them I didn't know she would be my namesake but that just makes it all the more special.

Watching you grow as she grew inside you was one of the greatest joys of the 30 years I got in this world. You are going to be the best mother in the world. Not because you will be perfect, she will give you so much trouble in throughout the years but in the end it will all be so worth it. I wish I could be around to see you mess up and then come back together again. I wish Lil Mil could know her Aunt Mil, mostly cause I would have been the much cooler aunt compared to Andie. You are so much more than you give yourself credit for Gia. Pat yourself on the back for me.

Don't worry about Tanner either, he isn't worth your tears. He will be the father he was meant to be, whatever that is it doesn't matter. You are her mother and that is all that matters.

Beside the point that you are a new mother I wanted to tell you that you have been a great friend. You played a key role in making my life what it was. You helped me deal with monsters I never wanted to face and I could never thank you enough for that. When I first met you I didn't think you were anything more than a beautiful blonde that gets whatever she wants. I saw a countless number of guys come to Wrigley's everyday and you didn't flinch when they would walk right out of your life. But now that I know the real you I know that you are so much more than your past. Those one night stands were just a small part in the life you once had. You were struggling to cope and they were your outlet. But I watched you learn to love, learn to let your heart break, and I watched you learn to love yourself for who you were and know it was okay to be alone. Gi, I never want you to think that you are anything other than amazing. Show the people you meet that you are more than a dumb blonde.

I love you so much Gianna. You changed me and I changed you. We got to spend the 9 best months of my life together and that is so much more than a lifetime. I will see you again someday, someday on the other side. Whenever you feel alone just know I am right beside you.

Love you forever,

Millie

When I finish the letter I realize I didn't cry. Millie is in my heart and this was not goodbye. I used to always worry about my heart breaking, now I know it's okay to let it break. I would feel this pain a million times over to make sure Millie was in my life.

I hear the sound of the door opening and Tanner steps through. This is the first time we've been face to face since the birth of Millie Jr. We stare at each other for a moment and then I speak, "Is this it?"

"Yeah I think it is," he says.

"So you're just going to leave your daughter without a father."

"She'll be better off without me. I'll still see her every so often."

"At least she had one for what, a week of her life."

"Gia you know it's better like this, I'm not ready to be a father."

"You're not supposed to feel ready, but you're still supposed to be there!"

"Goodbye Gianna. It was nice loving you."

Just like that he walks out of my life like everyone else. But this time I don't care, nothing else matters besides my daughter and Andie now. They're all I need in my heart.