Bleed Me Dry

No One Can Hurt Me Now

"I'm brushing off the rain, while climbing through the clouds, nobody can see me, no one can hurt me now. Goodbye, gravity, goodbye, enemies. I'm going up to a place where the world is small, where I can fly above it all." Small World, Idina Menzel.

Andie

It's really hard to sleep in a hospital room, especially when I know the beeping of Millie's heart monitor could stop any minute. I've been through alot in my life between the violent abuse and self-hatred but none of it is worse than losing my best friend to a disease nothing can help. Even watching her sleep is hard.

Gia told me what Millie wanted, I don't know if I'll ever be ready but I would do anything for Millie and this is what she wants. Gia and baby Millie or "Lil Mil" came home from the hospital yesterday. It was hard having her there because I was the one who had to make sure he saw Lil Mil when Gi wasn't around. Every time I would leave one friend to see the other I felt like I was abandoning them. But Gia and the baby will be here and Millie won't. I need to be with her all the time.

Gia has been letting Tanner stay with the baby while she visits Millie. She knows she should be home resting and taking care of her child but death waits for no one and Gia is not an exception.

My phone alarm goes off around 7:00 a.m, Millie's parents will be here at 8:30 so I better get going. I look like a mess, I haven't changed my clothes, showered, or even looked in the mirror in 4 days. I run home as fast as I can to change my clothes and drown myself in body spray. I don't look around the room because everywhere I turned I'm reminded of the fact that Millie will never come back here.

I get to the Millie's parents hotel at exactly 8:30. I haven't spoken to them since I brought them in to see Millie the last time she was in the hospital. I know that Millie is willing to forgive them for everything for their own sake. She doesn't want them to hurt for her the way they did for her brother Rusty.

"Hello Mr. and Mrs. Freeman," I say politely.

"Hey Andie, how is our little girl?" Mrs. Freeman hugs me. Mr. Freeman seems distant but so would I if this was the last time I would see my daughter before she dies of cancer.

"She seems okay today. I know she's been holding out to say goodbye to you," I tell them and it's the truth, Millie is barely hanging on to her life to see her parents one last time.

We walk the halls of them hospital that I've become well to familiar with the past week and a half. After this is all over I never want to come back in this place again.

"She's right in there," I tell them pointing to the door. They both walk in and I pray to God everything goes okay.

I sit outside the door for about three hours hearing talk about Millie's childhood and how happy her life was. The apologies take the longest. They cry and cry and tell Millie how much they love her. Hearing all of this makes me make a mental note in my head to call my own parents. Surprisingly they don't talk about the "after" part or the fact that they will be childless before they hit the age of 70.

The only sentence that seems to catch me off guard is when I hear Millie say, "I am your biggest disappointment but I'll be your most prized possession."

Millie calls me in at about 11:45 asking if Gia is coming soon. She hands her parents each a letter. I can only imagine what reading what kind of pain they're in right now. I go out into the hall to call Gi when they pull me aside.

"Andie, we want to thank you for being there for Mildred," her dad hugs me while handing me a check. Gia comes up the stairs and they hand her one too.

"It's time for us all to let go. We can't stick around for it, she doesn't want that and neither do we but she wants you two by her side every moment of it," her mother says with more tears coming to her eyes.

This can't be it. I'm not ready, I'm not ready to let go. I look at Gia for comfort but despite the fact that she is finally crying for Millie her eyes tell me it's time. I thought we had more of it, I didn't think she would just give up like this.

"Come on Andie, for Millie," Gia barely manages to say.

"Okay," I breathe loudly.

We both walk into the room at the same time. Millie looks relaxed and free of fear.

"I'm not scared anymore guys," she says. This only makes Gia and I cry more. "You both already know what you mean to me but to remind you I wrote you these. Saying my final goodbye as I die is just too difficult." She hands us each letters and then hands me an extra one. "This one is for the world, my final statement. Post it in the paper and on Facebook. I want the world to know I loved my life." Gia and I both just nod our heads, we are both holding her hands rubbing tiny circles on them.

All of a sudden Millie starts to sing, "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray." Gia and I look at her with confused looks. This was the last thing I was expecting her to do. She gives a little motion for us to join her so Gi and I just croak along, "You'll never know dear how much I love you, so please don't take my sunshine away." It isn't until I finish the sentence that I realize how much I really mean the words I'm saying. Millie really is my sunshine and she will never know how much I love her.

One slow tear rolls down Millie's face as her eyes start to close as she slowly whispers, "No one can hurt me now, I can fly away."

The monitor that has been beeping ever so slowly final goes flat. Gia and I both lay our head flat on Millie's now dead body and just cry. We cry until the hospital tells us that "it's time." No one will ever take away the time I was able to have with Millie. She was the light of my life even when it was dark. She was the reason I didn't take my own life. It's hard to see where my light is now but I know somewhere Millie is looking down at me guiding my way.

I look back at her one last time as I am escorted towards the door. Through all the pain I'm feeling right now I squeak out the only goodbye I was able to give her before she took her last breath, "Please don't take my sunshine away."