Bleed Me Dry

Explosions

"I've fallen from grace, took a blow to my face. I've love and I've lost, I've loved and I've lost." Explosions, Ellie Goulding.

Gia

The last of my breakfast ends up in the toilet at work just as I'm about to leave. Fortunately I get to come home to Tanner. The past couple of months he's been staying with me almost 24/7. He is constantly by my side, holding my hand through every up and down. At first I was afraid of him. My past has led me to severe abandonment issues and I constantly fear the day he walks out the door.

I feel bad that my life is starting to come together just as Millie's and Andie's are falling apart. But the feeling of Tanner's arms around me makes me wish I wouldn't have backed away from him in the first place. The life I used to live seems so far away from where I am now. I am genuinely happy. I get to have a beautiful baby girl with a man that loves me more than I deserve. I can't say everything is always easy, I have moments where I lapse into who I used to be. I back off and feel the urge to run away and do this on my own like I had originally planned. The way he loves me kills the urge quickly.

When I get home he is sitting on the kitchen counter. He's so cute.

"Hey babe, how was work?" he asks kissing me on the cheek.

"It was great! I had a little morning sickness before I left though," I say is a light tone so he doesn't get concerned.

Unfortunately it doesn't work and he says, "Maybe you should quit working. You know I can support us without you working."

I don't know how I'm going to make him understand that I can't risk quitting Wrigley's. Aside from the fact that Millie and Andie, my only real friends work there and need me, I don't want to depend on Tanner. He almost left when he found out I was pregnant and I don't know if he will abandon me again or not. If he leaves and I have no job I'm screwed.

"I don't really want to quit my job," I tell him. Technically I'm not lying.

"Why? It's just a diner and you've only been working there for what two years?"

"It was the first part of Wall I knew when I came here. I had next to nothing and I built myself up through that place. Besides, that's where I met you," I say to him trying to flirt a little so he'll drop the subject.

"Gia I really don't think working is a good idea. You're 6 months pregnant!"

"Tanner, you can't control my life! We aren't married, we don't live together, I don't even know what we are! But whatever that is does not give you power over me!"

"I'm trying to control you I'm looking out for your health!"

It warms my heart when says that but I will not back down to him. I just can't take the risk.

"Tanner I've always been independent. If you weren't here I'd be working so I'm not going to change that because you say so!"

"So this is just some plan to get rid of me then! I knew you were going to try and push me away. You did for 4 months until you needed me."

"I never needed you!"

"Then why'd you get upset when I said I didn't want to be around."

"Because every person in my whole life has left me. I push people away because I live in fear of the day they will leave me, that's why I ignored you until I had too. That's why I don't want to quit, so if you left me I wouldn't be without a job. For a second I thought maybe you wouldn't leave but now I see I should have never let this happen. Everyone leaves, my parents, my friends, the only person I ever loved before you! Now you're just one more person to walk out the door. And you know what, I'm going to do it first."

I can't take the fighting anymore. I storm out of my own home leaving Tanner there. Just as I'm leaving I can hear I'm barely utter the words, "You love me?"

I run to Andie and Millie's as fast as I can. Millie's place isn't far so I'm there within minutes. Andie moved in about a week ago, her apartment was scary and Millie can't be alone so it worked out nicely. I knock on the door pounding out all of my anger. When Andie open it I crash to the floor, not even making it inside when I fall.

"Gia, what happened?" Andie says crouching down and pulling me inside.

I cry on her shoulder for awhile until I speak again, "Tanner and I got into a fight, I left and he didn't even chase me."

Millie comes out of the bathroom and notices me on the floor.

"Gia?" she questions.

"I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry," I wail.

"For what?" they both say.

"I've been so consumed in Tanner I forgot you guys were my real support. I'm so so scared guys. Please tell me you won't leave me," I continue to sob into Andie.

"Gi, you know we won't leave you, and we don't care if you forget about us. We'll always be around. I promise we will never leave you," Andie says.

I cry on them for a while just letting them treat me like a wounded animal. Probably because that's what I feel like. Eventually, I know it's time to go back home. I slowly turn the key in the lock knowing I'm going to come home to an empty apartment. Sure enough I was right, Tanner is gone and so is my heart.

After tossing and turning all night long I finally manage to go to sleep. I don't think I'm asleep very long before I hear someone coming in my house. I get out of bed, grabbing the baseball bat I keep just in case I need to defend myself. I scream bloody murder when I see a figure standing in my kitchen.

"Gia relax it's just me," says the figure I recognize to be Tanner.

"What are you doing here?" I spit at him, I regret saying it as soon as it comes out.

"I came to tell you I'm sorry, that I was wrong to assume you are the way you are because you want me to hurt. I'm also sorry about your job, you can work until you have the baby there if you want to."

"I'm sorry too, I should have told you sooner."

"Gia, you should never apologize for not sharing your problems, it's hard to say them out loud and accept them."

Tanner presses me into his chest and we stay like that for awhile. I tell him everything from my longing for real friends through high school to Jax taking advantage of my feelings. Tanner nods his head the whole time, understanding every word.

We lay down in bed together and just as I close my eyes I hear him say, "I love you too by the way."

I just smile and grab his hand, explosions of love, confusion, and fear setting off inside me.