Bleed Me Dry

Everything Changes

"Today's the day like any other, but I am changed I am a mother. And who I was has disappeared, it doesn't matter now you're here, so innocent." Everything Changes, Sara Bareilles.

Gia

I am now 6 days past my due date. The doctors are going to induce me today because Millie is getting sicker by the moment. I will not have this baby without her around. Andie has slept at the hospital for three days now. I know this has been really hard on her. Millie has been the one that pulled her through those dark times. Honestly Millie holds the three of us together and once she's gone I'm worried Andie and I's friendship will fizzle.

Andie left Millie to be with me when they start to induce me. Once I go into labor the nurses promised to bring her down. Andie has also called Tanner and my parents, neither of them took the time to be here. Tanner told Andie he would come see the baby later, I don't know how long he'll stay in her life but based on what he did to me I don't think he'll be there long.

I can't wait to see my baby's face. I know when I look at her everything will be okay. It is through her eyes I will see a brighter future. Every mistake I ever made, every tear I ever shed will be worth it to get to this moment. I close my eyes and thank the God that I just started to believe in for giving me the life I have.

"It's time Gi," I hear Andie tell me.

"I'm ready," I say opening my eyes to a new light.

"Okay Gianna, I'm going to start your labor. This will probably take awhile because it's manual but it will all be worth it in the end I promise," the nurse says softly.

About an hour into the labor in already ready to scream my brains off in pain. Andie's hand is about ready to fall off I've been squeezing it so hard. She really is a good person to have down here with my because despite her issues she has always been the cheery optimist of the group.

Another contraction starts and I think I might just spontaneously combust. Andie assures me by telling me to "breathe" and that "it will all be okay." It's a little hard to believe that at the moment.

"How you doin Gi?" Millie asks being wheeled in the room by a nurse.

"Not too good Mil, not too good," I tell her breathing hard.

"I've never been more glad to see you in my life," Andie says wincing as I squeeze her hand harder.

Millie laughs and says, "I wouldn't miss this for the world."

The nurse comes in and checks how many centimeters I'm dialated but unfortunately I'm only at four centimeters. I'm beginning to feel like Rachel from Friends more and more by the second. Except unlike her I don't have a Ross to hold me. I just have my own distorted version of Monica and Phoebe.

We end up playing tic tac toe and hangman on Andie's hands, arms, and knees for about four more hours. It feels like only four minutes have gone by because I'm finally with both of my friends. I haven't gotten to be around Millie that much because of the baby but there's no need to make up for lost time. The last conversation I had with Millie was important enough to last for those three days I missed. Being there when Millie breathes her last breath will be the hardest thing I do and when I told Andie that's what she wanted Andie cried for a solid twenty minutes. We silently agreed that we have to do this, no matter what we will be strong for her.

"Alright Ms. Hanson you are 10 centimeters dilated so it's time to start pushing," the nurse tells me. I've suddenly never been so scared in my life. It's good scared though just like when I found out I was pregnant. I look at my best friends for reassurance and the way they look at me lets me know I'm ready. With my girls by my side I know I can do anything.

I start to push. I'm sweating so hard and this pain is anything but pleasant. I keep screaming at the top of my lungs while Andie and Millie, dressed in their scrubs yell at me to "keep pushing" and that "I can do it" at some point I realize I can't do this. I'm not strong enough to have this baby and I'm all alone.

"I can't do it," I breathe.

"Yes you can Gi, do it, do it for me," Millie wheels over looking me straight in the eyes and grabbing my hand.

I feel a power come over me. I want to see my baby and I want nothing more than to have Millie hold her in her arms. I look at Millie right by my side and then at Andie ready to watch my baby enter the world. I need to do this. I give one more huge push and everything else happens in slow motion. I see Andie smiling and cheering me on, I see Millie using energy I didn't think she still had to grab my head and hug me, and lastly I see the most beautiful baby take her first look at the world.

The sight of her big blue eyes and hair as jet black as the night makes me tear up. Even when their swaddling her up I long for her to be near me. Andie cut the umbilical cord, I would have rathered her do it than any man I'll ever meet. She looks just like Tanner, hopefully her hair will lighten up as time goes on.

The nurse puts her in my arms and I know I will do anything to protect her. I don't know what I did to deserve a daughter as beautiful as her.

"Does she have a name?" the nurse asks me.

"Mildred Angelica, Millie for short," I tell her. I hear Millie's breath get louder and I turn to her, "You're okay with that right?"

"I'm honored," she tells me.

"What happened to Caroline?" Andie asks.

"I'm saving it for a time when Tanner is free from my mind. I went with Angelica because she's a little angel," I look down at my daughter and say.

I thank God one more time for this moment and every moment after that I get with my baby. She doesn't need Tanner or any other father because she and I were meant to be.