Bleed Me Dry

The Girl I Used to Be

"It's not simple to say, most days I don't recognize me. That these shoes and this apron, that this place and it's patrons have taken more than I gave them." She Used to Be Mine, Sara Bareilles.

Millie

I'm sitting in Dr. Gell's office tapping my toe so fast it might just fall of. His office is so cold my poor bald head might just fall off. Finally he comes in and at this point I never expect good news.

"Millie. I wish I could tell you things were improving but it appears that with your health fluctuating and you being in that wheelchair that you should start staying the hospital permanently. I'll give you the rest of the day to pack your things and tell your friends but tomorrow morning we will have a room ready for you. I assure you that we will make your last days as comfortable as possible," he tells me.

I can't say I'm surprised, my body is so weak and full of pain. I know it will be better for me to stay here. I just want one last night out to be normal with my best friends. They are both in the waiting room and I am forced to watch Dr. Gell give them the news. They both are much more shocked than I was. They put their hands over their mouths and Andie starts to cry. I don't think Gia will ever cry about my cancer in front of me, it's just not who she is.

Gia walks over to me and grabs my chair, "You ready Mil?"

"Never been more ready," I say.

"Come on Andie, Millie's gonna be fine."

The first place I want to go is the diner. This place has been my safe haven since I was 16 years old and now 14 years later this is my last time coming in here. This was the only place I went when I was just a lonely girl with no friends. It also brought me the two most important people in my life. I came here after my brother died and every time I've had to see my parents. I've changed so much from the girl I am today to the girl I used to be. I've gotten to watch Andie and Gia come running away from life let this place change them too. Sometimes I know they wish they could give this up and go back, they didn't ask for this but it's what they got. Andie, was broken, too afraid to let anyone help but she learned how to fight. Gia, was reckless and got herself hurt. She learned to be tough for the life growing inside her. In this place I've learned what it means to live, to hurt, to cry, and to become a true woman.

"Do you ever wonder what it would be like if we never met each other?" I ask them.

"I would still be being beaten down too afraid to get up," Andie answers.

Gia thinks for a little bit, "I would still be so messy. Jumping around guy to guy to afraid to commit. I would have never gotten hurt, but I would be living in a lie."

After they take me through to all the places I've loved through my childhood here in Wall. We go to the Mexican restaurant and then back to Gia's place to have one last sleepover together. I still remember that our first night here. Andie and I were so drunk, if we hadn't had to come back to Gia's the three of us would have never become best friends. We wouldn't have had each other to lean on. Andie would have gone over the edge and probably taken her own life before Vincent could even find her and Gia would be raising this baby with no one to help her.

We lay in Gia's bed with our heads all together reflecting on all of our good times together. All the laughter, tears, and helping one another through breakups, crazy exs, self-harm, pregnancy, and cancer. I wouldn't change a thing that's happened to us and I know deep down they wouldn't either. It's brought us together and made us stronger together. Life tried to break us, we bent a little but time has straightened us back out.

Andie helps me out of my chair and change into my pajamas. She lays back down in Gia's bed while they lay beside me. We all stare at the ceiling together for awhile before I finally speak, "I want you both to know that you have completely turned my life around. I was lonely and my life wasn't going in any direction and even though I'm dying my life has only changed for the better. You both are such special people and I know after I'm gone you will go on to do great things. Gi, you are going to be such a great mother and Andie your will learn to build a life you will love so much you will forget the old one. I hope that you both grow old and that I will see you up in heaven."

At this point Andie and I crying and I don't know if we'll ever stop. Gia is mourning me in her own way, I don't expect her to cry.

"I love you so much Millie. I will never forget the best roommate I've ever had. You still have a few weeks ahead don't start saying goodbye now," Andie crys.

Gia puts her hand on her shoulder and says, "Andie you don't know what's gonna happen. But Millie you aren't leaving til I have this baby."

"Even if it's the last thing I see," I assure her.

We're all laughing now. Truth is if I died right now in this moment I would be okay with it. I take a look at my beautiful friends and tell myself that the new, the old, and who they are now may be gone but they used to be mine and I used to be theirs.