The End of Your Song

Chapter 20 - Destiny

It seems like eternity, the muffled conversations inside the house, the laughters of the young men and women a few yards away from us, they all seemed to fade.  It's just me and Lance, I don't know how to break the silence.  How can he remain so still for this long?  Then I realized, it's just an illusion, time just seems slow.

"Uh, I think I better go, may lakad pala kami ng pinsan ko", ako na naman ang bumasag ng katahimikan.  "Ashley, can we talk?, just hear me out, kahit hindi ka kumibo, okay lang.  I just don't want to go on not saying anything again", his voice is agonized.

"I don't think it's appropriate, not here...", bakit nga ba hindi tama? We're here, where Matthew lived, where every corners of this place he had imprinted his existence, where every person milling around had loved him, in varying degrees?  Yes, it's not right, I wanted to respect his memories.

"Nowhere will be the right place for us, kahit saan tayo pumunta, he will always be with us.  And as long as I'm feeling what's in my heart, I will always feel guilty", he's got his defensive look again.  "God knows I tried forgetting... kaya nga iniiwasan kong umuwi dito".

"I know that you know what I will be saying, but I still deserve the chance to be heard.  That day, on our reunion, dumaan lang ako sa chapel to ask for help.  I've been stuck for so long, hurt some people along the way.  Just because deep in my heart, it's still you", he sighed.  "I wanted to pray that I may be set free from the memories of you.  I was thinking, since doon nag-umpisa ang lahat ng ito, it might as well end there.  Look at what happened?, the moment I dipped my fingers in the holy water, fate led me back to you". 

"I love you...for as long as I can remember", his eyes didn't leave my face, he sounded calm now, finally freed of what he's been keeping in his heart.  "And I'm sorry that I didn't have the guts to say it to you before, but I'm more sorry that after all these years, I left everything unsaid".

I can see the sadness in his eyes, as well as in his smile.  May kurot sa puso ko, alam ko ang pakiramdam niya, I've been there before.  Haunted by the love that was cruelly taken away from me, not being able to let go of the loss and still hoping that I can have it back.  Maybe it's the same for him, he has endured the pain of loving someone he cannot have. 

"You have no idea how hard I tried not to touch you when you were crying for Tito Matt duon sa duyan.  When you hugged me when I said goodbye that night, I wanted to hold you tight... without ever letting go. I was fighting it, I don't want to take advantage because you were grieving.  Also, I felt guilty that Tito is gone,  you were his, and I know where your heart belonged.  I had to accept that there's no place in your heart that I can be part of".

I looked at Lance, really looked at him, I realized, I never really gave a thought about him that much, when I was so happy with Matthew then.  Never really considered how he felt watching us so in-love.  Matthew did, I know he felt guilty seeing his nephew suffering while the two of us were together.  And what did I do?, I forced him to just ignore how Lance felt.

Kasalanan naman kasi ni Lance, if he just came to me before Matthew did, who knows what would have happened?.  I can still recall the misery I was in when he didn't pursue me, when I saw him with another girl, I was hurt too deeply.  Maybe that's the reason why I never let him enter my mind, most specially my heart, ever again.  Kaya kahit anong tudyo ng mga kaibigan ko tungkol sa possibility na pwedeng pang maging kami, I didn't give myself a chance to entertain that idea in my head.

I never admitted that to Matthew, I hope that he never had an inkling that I have imagined being in love with his nephew before.  Only my friends knew that I have cried for Lance too.  Now, hearing his song again, it's stirring up the buried memories.  I guess, I have to admit that I'm really very lucky, to be loved by both of them.  Matthew loved me boldly, immensely and protectively. Lance loved me silently, unselfishly, and enduringly.