Jar of Emotions

Red light

Street lights empowered the whole street.

I am looking at the vast road with many cars passing by. Noise of the motorbikes and the horn of the cars.

Walking on the side walk remembering things that I should'nt. I smiled a little. A little smile that has so much pain. I kept my tears at bay. My hypocrity has no end.

I looked up to hold my tears because it still pains me.

I know you are well, but if not. I'm wishing you are. I'm wishing that you'll be happy on what you are doing.

Because me? I'm trying. I am trying for the people around me. But sometimes I just want to stop at a side and say just once that

"Please. It's my turn now."

"Can anybody understand me?"

"Will you stay?"

People wants you to stay but they won't care for you. Yeah, some do but that's that. Knowing that you are just around assures them, makes them okay. But then, that's just like that.

People change. That two words were so used this time but it is fucking damn true.

I halted on walking and look in front.

Traffic light

Green means go.

Yes. I did what I want. I wanted you at my side. I wanted that because I do love you.

Orange means slow down.

For years, I wanted to take you out of my system. For how many years I tried getting you out. But, you. Everything you do, small things or big, I clearly saw and love that. Every inch.

And, Red. Red means stop.

Tears stream falling into my eyes. Thinking how crazy I am. How I am truly, madly, deeply, fcking inlove with you. How I cherished you for years. I cried. Oceans of tears that I've shed for you. How pathetic, isnt it?

And I wanted to stop. Right here and right now from loving you because this is no longer healthy for me.

I am changing. The old me is gone. The new me now is loving the chain of the dark that grips my pulse and feet. The numbness that I am feeling makes my comfort. That dark place makes my home now that I dont want to go anywhere.

Stop, please. I am burning. I am begging.

I can't fucking breath now. This is too much. Too much pain that makes my heart twitch in so much pain. But pain is an understatement.

Stop, please.

People went on my side to wait for the light to go green.

Red...

Orange ...

Green ...

As the light went green I walked with tears streams down my face hoping that it will be gone but for now.

I'm dead. I died. I did.