Jar of Emotions

Should've

It was already 8 pm in the evening when all of my work was done.

I walk through my closet with only my under garments on. The coldness from the air condition doesn't bother me. I love it, actually. The coldness.

I removed my brassiere and underwear and walked to go to bathroom.

I opened the faucet and put some body wash on the tub.

The smell of it roamed around the bathroom. Ah, perfect.

It filled my nosetrills.

When the water is already half I dexided to get in. Hmm. Refreshing.

I closed my eyes for relaxation. This day is so tiring. Thinking what i've done this day stresses me so much.

I stayed there for almost an hour. I got up when i'm satisfied.

I walked with my nakedness to my room. It doesnt bother me coz i'm the only one lives here.

I put my lingerie on and quickly go to bed.

I stared at the ceiling.

I don't know how long it takes but i just stared at it.

Unending thoughts are rushing through me. Maybe that's why I didn't even flinch on my bed.

I got startled when I heard an alarm.

It's been so long since i've heard that sound. I thought it was broken but I remember that I've charged it last week.

My old phone rang...

And I relly know that alarm.

Cold sweat build up on my forehead. My brows creased as I stand up to find where my old phone is located.

I walked and pick it up under the small table. It is blinking.

My mind went blank when I saw what it says..

My eyes glitter with so many emotions..

Pain, longing, bitterness, numbness, and cold.

My hands are shaking as I read those words...

"Happy first..."

I felt weak. I stumbled and let my self fall through the floor. My breath is hitching. My breath are unstable. My chest goes up and down. I can't breathe because of the pain that I am feeling. I can't breathe because I am stopping myself to feel any emotions that it hurts me to death. I can't breathe because I am stopping myself to cry.

But then, I still gathered myself up, knees are wobbling. But still, I stood up.

I left my phone on the floor.

I messaged a friend and her message struck me...

It hits home.

"First and make it your last, not love but be the last ask act of losing yourself in the process of building him.. Last act of being a pathetic freaking woman you deserve more.. MORE.."

And then there I build again my walls for everyone not to see that I am a pathetic woman. A foolish woman. A lovesick fool.