TAINTED | Zayn Malik

Chapter 30| Backing Down

The silence suddenly made me wish that I hadn't come, wishing I just told Zayn to leave me back at the E-state or to go talk to my professors. Anything was better than being here, primarily cause of this. I knew there was a chance of running into her, but I didn't think it would be the second I stepped foot into this damned place.

It was too soon for me to even gather the words of what I was going to say to Erica, let along my mother. It was too much on me, I could barely figure out what I was doing half the time. So this was just so abnormal to me, having to lie so much and keep things from people. As much as I had nothing to really say to

"Well, I gotta go." I said, gesturing behind her. "Bye."

I went around and walked past her as she just stood there looking at me, the many thoughts going through her head. One of them probably being how horrible I looked, another was shaming me and lastly, she's probably thinking I relapsed and became an alcoholic. The look of disappointment was on her face as well as shock, but there was nothing I could do about it. I was ashamed myself, this wasn't the life I wanted for myself. I just gotta deal with it, hope for the best and move on. Just wish my mother was on the same boat as me, but that would be asking for the impossible.

Being in my family you have a specific, follow behind and be the person your mom wants you to be which includes faking your happiness, making sure that you married someone within a rich family, also keeping your problems to yourself cause no one cares. You also had to be determined and religious, no matter if you wanted to seek your own way. You had to do what you were told, there was never a option for you to pick otherwise. The excruciating part is that you had to like it, no complaints otherwise you were being labeled as ungrateful.

I was always reminded of the horrors within my childhood, when it came to her. Somehow Brandon was always the star athlete, the alpha male when it came to sports. Carly was the one who got into cosmetics, she was the person who'd be praised and uplifted by my mom. And Micah is the baby, so of course no matter what he does. He's always placed on a pedestal, needing attention which is understandable.

Then you had me, the middle child who couldn't find her place. I was stuck in a limbo, trying to figure out what belonged to me. My siblings were mostly to busy, dealing with their own lives, academics and priorities. I had no placement there, it was hard trying to live up to their expectations. Trying to be a great child, when all your mother did was ignore you then you're expected to he academically brilliant as well as highly religious. All I had was Bianca, so I took the time to dwell over the likes of my cousin, trying to be anything just to make her happy. 

"Ry'deionne."

I had no choice, I had to stop and face her. Her voice was completely deep and full of thought, I faced her and could see the dark venom of laced in her eyes. Zayn just glanced at me from behind her, leaning against the wall and propping himself up. My eyes flicked back to my mother's, knowing this was going to have to happen.