TAINTED | Zayn Malik

Chapter 42 | If Only

Present

I remember there was a time where I couldn't go without the rain, small droplets of water evaporating from the sky. I used to think it would somehow purify the earth, getting rid of all the toxins and messed up atmosphere that people put out. I thought as a kid, if you ran out into the water and let it rain down on you as placed your head back on the grass then you were letting out that bad energy. Everyone else loathed it, they took it upon themselves and thought something as beautiful as that was considered a bad day. Not me...

I couldn't wait to find any excuse to go outside just so I could fully capture what it was like to have all the bad leaving your soul, so all you felt was nothing but peace after it was over. I thought once it ended, your life would shine bright like the rainbow that would appear over the skirts of Manhattan. I took that as a spiritual experience, feeling closer to myself and god. It was just me and him, connecting in a way that would bring me to tears afterwards that would leave my mother scolding me. Especially whenever I got sick, every time. But that didn't stop me anyway, I loved every minute of it. She'd always try and keep me in the house, isolate me from everything I ever loved. I would always try and find a way to get closer to it, there were times when I would go to the window near our basement, it was the closest to a giant willow tree which sat in our backyard. I strictly remember one day rushing downstairs with a butcher knife in my head, cutting a small hole in the corner of the room, sticking my arm out and feeling it on my skin. The tree had so many leaves on it that caught the droplets and would fall into my hands like a puddle. It wasn't the same but it kept me occupied for a while, until my mother caught onto what I was doing when I would go missing for a few hours. I was so discreet with it, until I remember my cousin watching me as I went down there one night and sneaking out of bed. She had told my mother and after that, my happiness was gone. I would wait weeks, months even a year until there was a moment when I was somewhere with my family and it unexpectedly rain. They called it bad luck, while I called it a miracle. I got so excited finally being able to touch the cold water onto my skin that came naturally from the earth. Now, I just despise it.

I sat inside the hallway of the courtroom, watching the dark clouds cover the sky as it rained hard. The sound of little pebbles hitting against the glass while I sat on a bench, my legs pulled up to my chest as I looked onward. I used to find this so pleasing, that it was before everything turned and now all I see is pain. I felt a warm hand touching my sweater giving me a slight shake just to bring me back to reality. It didn't take much to figure out that it was Erica, most likely coming to check on me as I rushed out the courtroom while Zayn screamed a bunch of things at me that I didn't wanna hear. I felt like a coward, someone who didn't know how to appreciate when someone actually loved you. But I couldn't just ignore what he'd done to me, my family, us. At one point I didn't think I could ever survive without him. But now I just wished for things I shouldn't have even be thinking about.

I faced Erica as she handed me a medium sized styrofoam cup, I looked inside and seeing brown liquid. Before I could decline it, she held onto my wrist before shaking her head. "It's just coffee."