The Bully (Frerard)(Completed)

Chapter 35: Another Talk

Guys, sorry if this chapter sucks. I'm really just pissed off and I need to get my mind off of things, so I'm writing. I'm sorry, I just... It's probably going to suck.

xoxoCrashFire

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It's been a week since my birthday party and things have been going really well.

We only have one song that we need to get done in music class, and that's Bulletproof Heart, so far we haven't got much for it, but we're started and that's what matters.

Gerard has been getting really touchy with me, like he'll always mess with my hands and wrap his arm around my shoulders. He's acting like the break up never happened. That's not good. I mean, it's like in his mind we're still dating. In a way, I think that it's all my fault. In front of the piercing place, when I said I was so happy I could kiss him.... He kissed me. He got the wrong idea, that's my fault.

Right now we're walking back to Gerard's house because school is over. My mom came home a few days ago, a new man latched onto her arm. It pissed me off a little, but I brushed it off like I usually do.

"So, what do you guys wanna do?" Gerard asks, wrapping his arm around me.

"Um, when we get to your house, I need to talk to you," I say in a serious tone, "it's important."

He looks down at me, placing an awkward look on his face and then nodding, I'm guessing he knows what it's about.

When we get inside, I immediately go towards the basement door, holding it open for Gerard and closing it after myself. Once Gerard's feet hit the ground he opens his mouth, "What's wrong?"

"This past week," I take in a breath, just thinking of all the different reactions he could have, I'm going with either upset or angry because that's all that ever happens when we talk seriously, "you've been really touchy, like you hold my hand, wrap your arm around me, stuff like that. Why?"

He shuffles a little and goes over to his bed, his gaze is aimed at the floor and he's showing no sign of changing that, "I don't know."

"You're acting as if we never broke up," I use a soft tone so I don't hurt his feelings, lately that's all I've known how to do and it emotionally hurts to know that I'm the one making him upset.

"Because I just want the break up to go away, be in the past. I heard you talking that one day, when you fell asleep with your head in my lap. I heard you saying how the past doesn't matter, how you want to live in the present and think about the future. The present with me as your boyfriend and the future with me as your husband, I want that. I want that to happen," he has tears building up in his eyes, I'm sure they'll pour out any second, "I want us to happen, it's all I think about anymore. When we were dating. That's all I know how to think about anymore."

I walked over and sat down beside him, raising his head to look up at me, "I want that back, too, Gerard, I'm not lying. But.. All I can think about when it comes to a relationship with you is anger. I can't stop thinking about that, you got mad at me and hit me," I look over, avoiding his gaze, "I don't want a relationship where I have to fear my boyfriend."

He takes in a shaky breath, "I've been trying to control my anger. It's really hard," his voice is shaking and I know, even though I'm not looking at him, that he has tears staining his cheeks, "but I'm trying."

"Sometimes trying isn't enough, Gerard, all we know how to do is hurt each other. I don't like the feeling of knowing I can do this to you," I turn back to face him, pointing at his face, to the tears, "no matter how much you've hurt me, I can't stand myself when I hurt you. I just want to..." I don't finish my statement, he doesn't know what I'm thinking.

"Just want to...?" He urges me on and places his hand over mine, on my thigh.

"Die," I whisper, quiet enough that if anyone else was in the room, still only Gerard and I could hear me.

He swallows a little and lays his head on my shoulder, "I don't want you to die."

"Sometimes you don't always get what you want," I didn't think before I said that, I just spit out the first thing that came to mind, because I'm right. I rarely get what I want, and most of the time what I want is that: death. Death is peaceful compared to life, death has no struggle, pain, or torment. Life has all of that and more. Life is full of disappointment, but what would life be if it was perfect? That's why I don't always want to die. I realize that the imperfections in life is just life showing me that it's not meant to be perfect.

Gerard raises his head off my shoulder and stares at me, his mouth is hung open slightly, "Please, Frank, please don't try again," he begs, he has a look of pure sorrow on his face. That look is why I don't think I could ever attempt again. Gerard hurts me, yes, but he also makes me feel like there's actually something to stay alive for. A future.

"Please don't look at me like that," I look down at the ground trying to escape his expression, the expression is like pain wrapping itself around my emotions. I'm the reason Gerard's wearing that look.

"Why? You saying that..." He trails off and the look still doesn't go away, I'm not looking at him, I just know because I can still feel him looking at me with that look.

"Because, Gerard, when you look at me like that it makes me regret even thinking about killing myself, it makes me feel like I can't ever try again, it makes me feel like I actually have something to live for, to look forward to, a future," I start crying because I've never had someone make me feel like I actually have worth, like I mean a lot, like if I died, so would they.

He wraps his arms around my waist, trying to hug me and comfort me, "Because that's how I feel, I want you to never try again, I want those thoughts to go away, I want to make you happy and providing you with a future, or one to look forward to, is how I want to do that. I want to make you feel like you deserve life, like you're worth everything in the world. Because to me, you're worth much more than that."

I lift my head up, did he just mean everything he said? Did he really want all of things? I just... "Do you mean that?" My voice sounds a little breathy, but also kind of choked up.

He nods his head, "I just want things to go back the way they were. Me and you, Mikey and Ray, no fighting. Just happiness," he smiles a little and adds another sentence, "I'd even settle for one of those cheesy, cliché relationships where we talk about our wedding."

I giggle a little at the last sentence and wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him in for a huge hug, I close my eyes and whisper something, something I've been wanting to tell Gerard since the day after the break up, "I love you, Gerard."

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Another argument/deep conversation/sappy thing/relationship problems type thing/whatever else you could label this as.

xoxoCrashFire