Life in London

Chapter 22

Hello, sorry it took me so long to update. I didn't really know what to write but it came out pretty good. I hope you like it. :)

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Jade's POV-

I am currently sprawled out on the longest couch in my living room, staring at the ceiling thinking about everything and at the same time, nothing. Today is probably the first day I have spent alone in two weeks. Part of me, and I mean a very minuscule part of me, feels relieved but another part feels lonely. I've never felt lonely before. Not in my childhood, not in high school, not the year I've spent here in London by myself. Being lonely is depressing and sad. Two emotions I'm not familiar with and haven't experienced much growing  up. When I pester the thought about how lonely I feel, I grow sadder and sadder. With the music playing softly in the background, mixed with the frequent sprinkles of the rain hitting against the windows, sorrow fills me to the bone. 

When Doniya came back yesterday from shopping with some friends, which she wanted to impress with her brother's car, I made Zayn agree to hanging out with her today. If I had known this foreign feeling would arrive, I would have joined them but my idiot self urged them to get some time together without me before Doniya leaves tonight. I don't like this feeling. My body feels heavy, my mind is everywhere, and my eyes won't stop watering. I haven't cried yet but it's bound to happen sooner or later. 

An hour ago, I was completely fine with feeling lonely. I wasn't fazed at all. My feet pranced around the spacious apartment, dancing to the upbeat music I had playing. That was, until the glum feeling grew and attached itself onto any other sad thing that has ever happened to me in my life, bringing them to the surface. I turned off the fast pace music and turned it to a slow, depressing play list, making matters worst. 

I started to think about my father and how we was never there for me or my siblings and when he was, it was on his terms. I started to think about the time me and my family lost our home and was nearly homeless for a year and a half. My mother in a shelter specifically for woman who have been physically and emotionally abused; my brother and sister staying with my no-good of a father; and me being shipped back and forth from being at my fathers, at my best friends, or at the shelter with my mom. I started to think of every sad emotion I've felt during that year and a half. I even started to think about the dog that I couldn't keep due to my living arrangements. 

When I blink, tears fall from the sides of both of my eyes. This is the first time I've cried in years. Just as the song 'Turning Page' by the band called Sleeping At Last began to play, I squeeze my eyes shut, making more tears fall from my eyes. The three emotions I felt turned into what felt like tons. Frustration, anger, pain, sorrow, relief, vulnerable, tired, ashamed, afraid, dread, irritated, nervous, sleepy, cold. The list goes on. I bring my hands up to cover my face and let out a loud sob. Why am I breaking down? Why do I feel this way? I turn to my side and bring my knees up to my chest, continuing to cry in my hands.

***

When I look at the clock across the room, I have to squint my eyes. My vision is somewhat blurry due to all of the crying I have done for the past two hours. After I began to cry in my hands, I felt the need to write. I grabbed my old notebook and my favorite pen from the mini office and came back to the couch to write down anything that would help me shake off these feelings. I started off writing slowly, then it seemed as though words started to spew from my mind and onto the paper at a rapid rate. My hand began aching but I didn't care. All of the emotions I didn't want were now written on the few remaining pages I had blank in the notebook. 

After I closed the notebook with my pen inside, marking the last page I had stopped on, I set it on the coffee table and began staring off into space. Here I go again. Every time I cry and break down, I let all of the feelings I had flow out of me, leaving me empty and emotionless. I feel nothing and I don't care about anything. Why all of the sudden, had I felt the need to break, to cry. Why now? Why this year? Why today? My head was pounding from all of the crying and me trying to focus my vision on the words I put down on paper. I lay on my side once more and let myself drift, not thinking, not caring or worrying about anything.