I See You. (Camren)

Chapter Forty Three

Lauren. 

I close my eyes and run my hands through my hair, as the hot water runs down my back, I take a deep breath and try to relax, it's not often I get a minute to myself anymore, so the shower is kind of my escape place, the place where I let my thoughts take over, and just have a small amount of peace and quiet. 

I love having Camila and Harmony here, I love that they live here, but sometimes it's good to just take a step back and get lost in the warmth of the shower, the power of the water beating on my skin, as the heat warms my soul, I know Camila doesn't want me to be scared, but sometimes it's just so hard to let myself go and be so free in a relationship, I have never felt more like myself in a relationship like I do with her, I have never loved someone so immensely, and I think that is what scares me the most, because I have been scared before in all of my relationship, but I have never been as scared as I am in this one, because this is one I don't want to lose, one I can't lose, because I feel like it will physically break me, if this relationship ends, it will destroy me, that's why I am so scared, but I want this, I just have to slowly try and overcome my fears. 

Because this is it for me, she is it for me, I can't even beging to explain it, I just know that I want to spend the rest of my life with this woman and her daughter, I want to watch Harmony grow up into a beautiful young woman, I want to see how her first relationship blossoms, and kill them for breaking her heart, or maybe she'll be the heart breaker, I want to see her go to her first dance and go to prom, I want to be there on her wedding day, and when she has her first child, I want to have my own child with Camila, I know I'm going to adopt Harmony and she will be my child, but I want our family to grow, I want to have more children, I want to grow old with Camila, and that scares me, because I have never wanted this with anyone. 

I've never wanted marriage, yeah I've wanted a family, but honestly I always wanted to be on my own with a family, I wanted to be a single parent and get pregnant on my own, I wanted to adopt and foster kids, I never imagined my life with anyone, but I do with her, and that scares me. 

I place my hands shoulder length apart against the wall, resting my forehead against the cool tiles, taking a deep breath, as the water pounds against my back. 

I can't believe I am actually going to be adopting Harmony, and having her legally as my daughter, I just hope that Jacob doesn't try anything, because that could literally ruin everything that I want in my life, I know he doesn't have a leg to stand on, he has no case, because he has no rights whatsoever, but I can't help but have that worry in the back of my mind that he is going to do something, just because he seems like that kind of person. 

I'm also worried that maybe Camila only wants me to adopt Harmony, purely so that she has more of a chance of keeping custody over her daughter, but part of me is worried that it will make things so much worse, not everyone agrees with two lesbians having a family together, so what if she get a homophobic judge, I just don't know if this is the right time to do this, but god do I want to, I know she calls me mum already, but to have it be legal and official, I know my heart is going to do a somersault the moment it's official. 

I need to stop worrying so much, because it does not help me whatsoever, if anything it makes things so much worse, because I get way to inside my head, and it makes my anxiety go through the roof, and then I start to get depressed, and that's really not a good combination, I just need to live my life how I want to and not have to worry about what if, because what if's can go either way, it could be good or it could be bad, I just need to stop worrying about the consequences, and go for it, do the things that my mind and my heart wants, because if my parents have taught me anything, it's to follow my heart. 

I take a step back out of the water and look up at the shower head, call me strange but it's always fascinated me, watching the water pour out of it, the droplets of water pouring out of all of the tiny holes, if you think of it, it's actually kind of beautiful in a way, if you knew what you were doing, you could actually capture such a beautiful picture of it.