Dear Diary

18

Chapter Eighteen

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   Sometimes you think that if you cry hard enough that someone will hear you, right? Wrong. I have been crying for two hours, it is two in the morning, over EVERYTHING. My dad, Alex, my mom, my brother, and now...Asher. 

   I never thought I would cry over Asher, but this is exactly why I had to leave him. I may have hurt myself, but it would've hurt worse if it was him. If it was him leaving. If it was him walking out on me...on us. 

   No one can hear my silent cry's.

   My silent screams for help. 

   I sit here in this empty room, crying to myself. 

   I am lonely, with no one to hold me. 

   I am tired of losing people...

   Of losing myself. 

   But how can I make sure to hold onto someone when I can barley hold onto myself? 

   How can I be there for someone when I can't be there for me? 

   I can't, and I don't want to be the cause of someone else's pain. 

   I can't...not right now. I wouldn't be able to live with myself. 

   I don't want to feel like this, but sitting in this empty room, reminiscing, thinking about everything, it hurts me. 

   Nobody is ever ready for anyone to leave, especially me, but some things happen at the wrong times and we cant stop them. 

   As much as I wan't to make things slow down...I can't

   I wish I could act like I don't care sometimes, like I don't feel anything, that would be easier. But I feel everything. 

   Every cut

   Every bruise

   Every lie

   Every secret

   Every heartbreak

   Every lose

   But, i'll survive. Somehow I always do. 

   I left because I can't loose anyone else I love. 

   I can't fall in love with him, because if I do, I know that one day he will leave. 

   I won't be able to live if I lost another person I love. 

   He came into my life at a time when I needed someone, and I instantly fell for him. 

   But that was a mistake, he isn't the one I am supposed to fall for. I am not supposed to fall for anyone anymore, but he makes that so hard. 

   The worst part about loving someone is you are worried that they will leave you...

   I feel like I am going crazy because I am paranoid all of the time. Over being hurt by Asher, but it is a guard for my heart.  

   But I am starting to believe my own lies, that everything will get better. 

   Everyone has dark periods and light periods, that is what life is about.

   All the hurt, I feel like it is trying to explode out of me.

   But I am always hoping for one thing, That I won't be sad forever...

***

A/N

   I love you forever and ever and ever, okay? 

Don't forget to share, comment, and vote. 

Much love,

   -Alyssa