the deal ~ h.s. (au)

15. Nothing special

okay so first of all, i am very sort for this late late update, but i've been so busy with school and now i finally caught some time to write

enjoy this chapter and the next one is coming soon..

-Ivy xx

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I stay still in my position on the sofa as Harry walks away from me, leaving me confused and in absolute shock as he makes his way out of my flat. Once I hear the front door shut, I immediately stand up and start pacing across the living room, ignoring the unusual feeling down there as I walk. I've just experienced something so very new to me and something I wanted to experience years ago, and I'm still trying to figure out if I feel good or bad about it. I should feel bad, considering that I let a complete stranger see parts of me no one's ever seen before, not even Brian who in fact was my boyfriend for a long time. I should feel bad for letting myself look so vulnerable in front of him, but the longer I think about it, the more right it feels which cannot confuse me any more than it already does.

As I mentioned many times before, I wanted my first time to be with someone like that. And even though the process of everything evolving into the main act which is sex might last a bit longer than I thought, I'm ready to continue with this journey. At the end, as long as Harry respects my rules, I'll respect his, like that silly rule of his in which he wants to make me feel too good. Anyways, the more I think about it, Harry is such perfect material for that. I know we won't become anything more than fuck buddies like he says, or sex acquaintances, which is more than alright with me due to the inevitable fact that we are so different. Maybe even too different. I'm definitely not his type of women and he's sure as hell not the type of a men I'd ever want. He's way too rude and doesn't care about how his words will make me feel or anyone of the matter.

But, when it comes to things for which I need him, he's all I ever wanted. I guess I'll experience every sexual first with him and he can actually teach me about all of those things I'v only usually read about. When it comes to sex, it''s embarrassing for me to admit, but I actually look forward to all the things I might learn from him.

I walk over to the bathroom to wash over this dirty coat of skin I feel like I'm wearing. As I strip out of my clothes, I can still feel Harry's fingers tracing on my skin and honestly, I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

This whole experience is too new for me and I guess it'll take me a while to get used to it. To get used to a stranger who's name is the only thing I know about him, who's  touching me, to get used on the heat of his body pressed against mine. Actually, I think I'll get used to that last one very easily considering the humiliating control he has over me. I know I'm not the person for this kind of stuff. I'm probably one of the most romantic people in the world, or at least I feel like one. How could I possibly expect to not feel anything towards him? He's the only one who's been that close to me and how can I now continue with my life with knowing that? I know it seems like I'm exaggerating but I'm not. There's no way this could end up well for me in terms of my emotional state.

Even now when I close my eyes, I can feel his fingers tracing over my skin, setting it on fire as he does so. My neck still burns from his lips and his tongue, making me go through torture not knowing when Harry's lips will meet my neck again. And that kiss, that kiss was a miracle itself. Having his lips on mine made me feel connected with him in so many levels I can't even try to explain. Knowing myself, I've never felt so drawn to someone as I feel towards him and  I would be lying to  myself if  I try to convince myself of the most positive outcome in which I won't feel a single thing for him. I know myself, and myself starts liking someone the moment they talk to her and Harry's done more that just talking with me; which is definitely a result of my low self esteem now that I think about it.