the deal ~ h.s. (au)

35. Completed

It's twisted, wicked even, how often our own life decides to play not with us, but against us. Some might even say it's sad, but I would rather say it's wicked and insane, tearing up every ounce of hope and happiness you hold inside of you. It's ridiculous how much other people's decisions impact on your life. How some, even strangers can make your everyday life as you know it crumble down in front of you, showing you a greater way of living, a more exciting one, daring you to find yourself and help you create a new life with new habits. It's depressing how that same life you learned to love crumbles once again when that same stranger walks away.

I've stopped counting how many times today I've sat down, placing my hands on my head and trying to convince myself how ridiculously stupid this is. I've managed for two decades living the way I lived, loving every day and loving the yearning for an adventurous life. I had my mind focused on my plans, my future; it's pathetic how it only took one man with an energy that was new to me, to walk into my life along with stupid decisions and manage to change the life as I know it.

I breathe deeply as try to wrap my mind about what is going to happen tonight. The goal of this deal we have will be won tonight and after that, life will go back to what it used to be. Just that this time, I'd be different and he might still be the same. It's insane for how long we've been delaying this night. This deal was supposed to be over in two days, hell maybe even one night, but it lasted for more than 10 days. Instead of going through this with no attachments and a blank space, I've learned the real me by frustration and temptation he has made me feel on a daily basis.

I guess what I enjoy the most in this little game we're playing is how free I feel when I'm with him. How I can express my darkest feelings and he won't judge me; or even if he says something mean, I know his opinion of me won't be negative. I can scream on top of my lungs and he  won't look me like I'm out of my mind, but do it with me. I feel as if I'll forever be stuck in this state of confusion, just because I cannot understand how could I feel so strongly and passionately about a person I've only known for 10 days? Maybe he was right; this feeling is not the one of falling in love, but a mixture of lust and sexual craving my body feels for him.

"You're sure you don't want to come?" Jo asks when she walks into the living room, putting on her gold bracelet. I was really happy when she said she was going out because it saved me from a new pair of lies I'd have to sell to her.

"Yes, go and have fun. For me too," I say as I bring my knees up on the sofa. She was a little bit suspicious when I refused to go, because usually I'd always go, but since Harry came, I've been refusing her offers often so that I could have the flat for myself. Even though it happened like twice, but still Jo is always suspicious, especially now when it's obvious from miles away how sad I am.

After a long conversation about should she wear heels or high boots, Jo leaves the flat, leaving me alone. The moment she closes the front door, I jump from the sofa right before I start running towards the bathroom. Harry should be here in any minute and I don't remember ever being this nervous. Is it normal to plan it when you'll lose your virginity or does it just happen in the spirit of the moment? Of course it is not normal, this whole situation doesn't feel normal. I fix my mascara and let my hair fall on my shoulders and I shake it a little just to get some volume. I stare at myself for a few minutes, trying to be satisfied with how I look like, but that's interrupted by the doorbell.

My heart starts pounding, threatening to jump out of my chest and fall into Harry's arms. I slowly approach the door as I try to convince myself that this situation is perfectly normal and how there's nothing I should be worried about. Just before I open the door, I take a few deep breaths in weak attempts to calm myself down, which of course don't work out as I expected. I open the door, revealing Harry's perfect body dressed in black jeans and a grey sweater standing just a few inches away from mine. I give him a small smile and without a word take one step back, allowing him to enter which he does, also without saying a word, leaving me speechless with that.