the deal ~ h.s. (au)

39. Tomorrow

new chapter...i hope you like it
enjoy xx
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Moments after our conversation about Harry, my focus has completely given up, keeping my mind on a road towards Harry as Jo continues to speak about the chapter in our book I've completely forgotten about. How could I possibly think about anything else, but him, knowing he's so close to me as my mind adjusts to the possibility of seeing him again. There's a sudden anger waking up in my chest, pointing at me and calling me weak for once again allowing him to affect me like this. And how can it not? A small thought of seeing him again makes my knees tremble and my heart ache with indescribable happiness; it terrifies me what my reaction could be if I see him? Will my heart finally make the choice and jump out of my chest, falling right into his arms again?

"For the love of God, Ella, please tell me you're not still thinking about him," Jo says with a higher tone which is the reason why I've come back from the land of my thoughts. 

"I know, I'm sorry, I can't help myself and I hate it," I try to defend myself, but to no use because Jo only sighs before she slaps my hand, giving me a glare that could burn my skin and kill me without any trouble.

She crosses her arms as she leans against the chair, "You shouldn't have meddled with him and I have told you that many, many times. And you shouldn't have given him your fucking virginity, E," she states, her voice getting higher and higher by the end of the first half of her speech, "You are too nice and naive for a relationship like that, especially with him," she finishes with a subtle head shake. 

"Excuse me? I don't even want that. And I did nothing wrong or stupid," I try to defend myself, convincing both her and me that she's not right. Maybe a part of me, hidden deep inside, knows she might have a good point, but I refuse to listen to it, pushing it further and further away as I repeat the same story to myself; I did nothing wrong, "I just had sex with a guy," I pinpoint this sentence by saying it perhaps too loud.

"In theory, what you've done was normal, but in the reality, Ella," she stops and leans in towards me before she says, "You've made a sex deal with him. And now you are maybe still in love with him for God knows what reason, not allowing yourself to enjoy in something really good with someone sweet and nice like Luca because you're still thinking about him. And he's probably not thinking about you," the words feel like needles poking my skin, going through every layer of skin and making me bleed. There's undeniable truth in her words, her sentences, I am aware of because I've realised all of the things she'd just said the moment I've asked Harry to join me on this confusing journey.

"Let's agree to disagree; I am not in love with him, but do I care about him? Yes, but I care about everything so he makes no difference. It is impossible to fall in love with someone in such short time; it must have been only lust and novelty. And I really don't appreciate your judging tone," I reply to her speech, as I start collecting my things and placing them in my bag.

"I didn't mean to upset you, I am just worried. I can see he meant more to you than you did to him and it makes me sad because you are too nice to feel anything for him. And I don't want you to fall in the same loophole again with him," she says as she grabs my hand and I sigh. There's honesty in her words and love, which is the reason why I cannot be upset with her. But, even though in theory she might be right, I have to believe I have changed and hold hope that my feelings for him have shifted to a friend position. 

"I know, I'm not upset, I just don't think you should worry about this situation as much. I will be alright," I assure her as I let got of her hand and close my bag, "But, now we should really get going," I add and she nods before she takes all of her things. 

The walk towards the car and the drive towards our flat was mostly quiet, the silence sometimes being interrupted with small observations of our surroundings or an interesting song playing on the radio. I could feel her concern about me and it made my heart melt with love and  adoration I hold for this  woman. There's a slight relief inside of me now when I know I am not the only person worrying about my love life since now a small amount of it can go to Jo on whom I can always count for a realistic point of view. Such as the one today for example, only I need to learn how to accept such  point of view.