the deal ~ h.s. (au)

37. Different

I'm terribly sorry for the long wait, but I'm back now with this new chapter and I hope you'll like it
-Ivy

*

Almost 3 months later

January 23 

I hold on tightly to my coat, trying to keep my body warm as I pace in front of the building, trying to achieve the same thing. Earlier today it was snowing, but soon the snow was replaced with heavy rain pouring down and creating the second river Thames in the streets. I remember when I first arrived to London how much I hated the weather, how much I missed the sun and carefree walks through the park without an umbrella in my hand. But, now I'm very much used to it. Maybe even too used because I started enjoying it; it is always the perfect excuse for staying in.

Life has been different in these past few months. Funny thing; the days went by so quickly, despite how slow they seemed to me a month ago when I was still trying wrap my mind around what a rollercoaster this year has been. Even though this year had a very boring start, so boring I believed it'll end with my funeral, it had a dazzling ending, which I'm most thankful to Harry. Harry. I was very surprised when he texted me for New Year's. We ended up having a small conversation, talking about his exhibitions and that was it. I remember how good it felt to hear his voice after almost two months; I didn't even realise how much I missed it until that moment. I believe it's gotten raspier, but that's probably because of the phone.

To be completely honest, I was surprised he even called. Even though we somehow agreed to say in touch, I've never believed we'd actually make it happen. We did exchange a few messages, but that didn't last long and soon after we didn't hear from one another in a long time. But, then again, talking with him for New Year's was the last time I've heard from him. I remember how quickly I got used to his presence; so used I was hoping to become his friend, which thinking about it now, was not a good idea. Being friends with a person you're in love with, felt like a suicide mission that would end up in me drowning in my tears while giving him a fist bump. This past few months have given me the opportunity to think about the previous events between Harry and I, only to make me realise how not even once have I wanted to be his friend. I've always wanted to be more. I've always wanted to kiss his lips whenever he was standing next to me; there was this strange desire inside of me that would only appear in his presence. I don't really know why, but that New Year's phone call felt like a goodbye; a goodbye to my feelings for him. 

I'd like to say how I've managed to keep the promise I'd made to myself months ago, the one about showing my true self. No matter how stress relieving that thought felt, I couldn't do it. It seemed like the true me left with Harry that morning, since, as sad as it seems, he was the only one I could be fully myself around. Maybe the reason why I've always felt like that was because from the moment we've started whatever we had, I knew he was going to be gone from my life very soon and I've never thought I'd get attached to him. And so I was back to the same old Ella. But, something has changed. I guess, except of taking the real me along with him to New York, he took the cloth from my eyes permitting me to see new parts of myself I haven't even known I had. Until him.

A car stopping in front of me interrupts my thoughts, "Sorry I'm late," Luca says as he opens the door for me to sit in, "Promise it won't happen again," he states once I'm seated in this comfortable seat after I give him serious glare.

"I hope so, I froze outside," I reply before I shake my head, trying to dry my half wet hair as I take off my scarf, "Thank God it's warm in here," I add once I stop shaking my head like a lunatic, turning my head to look at Luca, catching him already looking at me.