Ghost In The Snow

Chapter 9: Pathetic Jesus

We looked into each other's eyes. I'm not sure, if he could see it in my eyes. If he could see that I was going to say yes. Accepting to be his girlfriend. Or could he see my pain? My pity for him. I forced myself to say: "Of course, I'll be your girlfriend." The words felt strange, distant, weird. Like it wasn't me, who actually said it. Like it was a robot inside of me. A robot that controlled my thoughts. Normally it wouldn't control my speech, but now it did, and it felt so fucking fake.

But at least Frank was happy. The first half second his mouth was open, didn't believe me, but then it turned into a happy smile. His eyes lit up, happier than ever. A second hadn't even passed before he hugged me tight. And well, I needed a hug. Mostly because I already knew that what I had said and done was wrong, and I would regret it soon.

Hugs are the worst, but also the best. You feel so happy, when you're getting hugged. Well, if you want to be hugged. The intimacy, feeling alive, feeling close to the other person, the other person's happiness. But hugs can lie. You look over their shoulder, and they can't see your face. They think, they believe, that you are smiling. But maybe, it happens rarely, but maybe... Maybe you're sad. Frowning. The chances are very small, but maybe you are crying.

And today was the day of small chances.

Frank pulled away from the hug and kissed my cheek. I almost didn't notice, because my eyes were wet and unclear. "Okay, I need to go to class now. But eh, see you next break! Then we can tell the others." Frank smiled and ran down the empty hallway. He didn't notice my tears. My tears. Then he probably didn't see the pity and pain in my eyes earlier. He saw the mask of happiness.

And I was afraid of leaving Frank sad. He left me. He didn't mean to, I know that, but still. Maybe I should stop being so nice to everybody. But it's a part of who I am, you know, going through pain so others can stay happy. I'm basically Jesus. But a really pathetic Jesus.

I was left in the empty hallway. I leant against a locker and slid down so I sat on the floor. I gazed, staring with an empty look. I saw the gray, boring walls. They seemed depressed. An endless row of lockers, all the same, no individuality. The blank floor was shiny, but when the automatic lights turned off, the floor became matt. It was all silent. No voices could be heard. I started sobbing.

It would all go well, I tried to convince myself.

Frank's happiness would come off, and I would be happy too. We would be happy together. Gerard would also be glad, because he just wants us to be happy. He would support our relationship. And of course, Mikey and Ray would also support us, tease us from time to time, when Frank and me kiss nearby them.

Right?

I was about to get up and find my classroom when I heard footsteps. Oh shit, who could that be? I shuffled into the corner and tried to breathe quietly. The footsteps came closer. They were light, shy, but seemed determined and worried. "Tess?", a shaky voice called. I instantly knew it was Mikey. I crawled out off the corner and tried to get up. Mikey saw me, shocked.

He quickly walked over to me and helped me up. "Uhm, why didn't you come to class? It's been twelve minutes", he said and looked very confused. He probably saw my red eyes, my tears, my pain. "Eh, oh, really?", I said, feeling a bit dizzy and awkward. "Let's just go to class", I mumbled and hurried down the hallway, hiding my face from Mikey.

It wasn't worth my while, because he already knew. He knew something was wrong.

Class was boring. The time went slow. But it couldn't go slow enough. I stared at the clock all the time, and feared when it was going to ring. I didn't want to have break. Or well, a break would be great, but just not what was going to happen in the break. I didn't want Frank to tell about our relationship. I didn't want to see the other boys' faces. Their reactions were going to be very unpredictable.