Ghost In The Snow

Chapter 14: Confusion

Trigger warning: a little panic attack

Sundays. Sundays are nice, right? No, not really. All the things you didn't do yesterday, you have to do them before Monday and that's now.

Luckily I didn't have any homework, so I could do whatever I would like to do. Except wearing T-shirts, but hush now, we don't talk about that. I got dressed, black jeans, a black T-shirt, but also a blue, long-sleeved cardigan.

I sat out on the front porch. The weather was mild. Sparkling spring-sun, warm, weak wind and few clouds. I stared at the people walking past my house. A lot of kids on their way down to the park. Few older couples walking by. Some guys from the school drove past, glancing at me like I was psychotic. Maybe I am.

I was busy staring at two kids driving down the street on three-wheeled bikes, when I noticed Mikey in the corner of my eye. I woke up from my trance, looking at Mikey, who walked up to my house, and suddenly stood right in front of me. "Hi", he said. I glared at him for a moment, until he squinted his eyes in confusion. "Oh, yeah, hi", I said, then looking around to try not get eye contact. How could I just stare at him without answering him? "Hey, I was wondering about something", he said, trying to speak loud enough so I could hear it was serious.

I furrowed my brows in confusion. "I have thought about something, and I couldn't really get it out of my head. It's serious", he said. I glared at Mikey, nervous and almost scared of what he had to say. Last time I met Mikey was when he told Gerard about his thoughts. His thoughts about me not loving Frank... And the last time I met him before that, was when he found me crying in the hallway, after Frank asked me to be his girlfriend.

I had an idea of what Mikey wanted to say.

I sighed and looked up at Mikey. It was obvious that he was nervous as well. He had probably trained saying his speech over and over again, so he wouldn't stutter now when it was showtime.

He swallowed nervously and started: "So, I don't know if this is how it is, but I'm just wondering... And I'm worried for you. To be more specific, for you and Frank...'s relationship." He looked at me with his empty eyes, grinding his teeth together before continuing.

"You were crying in the hallway.. Offhand right after Frank asked you to be his... girlfriend. And I don't think, well, how should I know, but I don't think crying alone in a corner is a normal reaction." He stared into my eyes, sent a short, faked smile. I could see, he was worried about me. He cared about me. Wow.

"And that left me thinking about if you really are happy to be in a relationship with Frank. Also, you didn't smile, when you and Frank told us, you were in a relationship. I'm just saying it, we've noticed, you don't seem totally okay with it."

I think Mikey was done with his speech.

I glared down at the veranda's floorboards, as if they were going to help me. They didn't. I had to face my problems.

"Don't tell the others", I paused, turning away from Mikey and looking out on the road again. "I don't know, if I love Frank. I like him as a friend, but I'm not sure about if I like him as a boyfriend. I think, he's smelled a rat. I think he knows." I swallowed and turned around to face Mikey again. "But I want to love Frank, I want to make him happy." I could feel my eyes tearing up and my throat tighten.

Mikey looked down. He didn't know how to respond. He had to think first, consider it all and connect it together, so he could give me a good solution, that would result in happiness for everybody. View the dilemma from every person's angle. "I don't think, either of you can make each other happy, if one of you aren't happy yourself."