Ghost In The Snow

Chapter 15: Realization

Gerard nodded, still glaring at me. Silently we started walking down the hallways, side by side. I was so close to Gerard. It felt like my heart was being stung with a needle, over and over again. Not sure if that was because of me actually being a bit scared about our serious talk, or if it was because of me liking Gerard.

We found a place outside, a corner where no one would notice us.

"Frank did not talk to you", I stated and stared at Gerard. He avoided eye contact, looking at the asphalt, taking his time to find an answer.

"No", he answered with a low, mumbling voice. I wanted to hear more, but obviously he wasn't just going to tell me all about it. I sighed, feeling annoyed at Gerard's uncooperative behaviour.

"Then why do you know about those fucking pancakes", I hissed, and my own eyes went wide in surprise. I didn't mean to sound so angry. But finally he looked up at me, just a glance. He swallowed, shuffling his feet around and kicking a small stone. "Well, I was just... I wanted to talk to Frank, but.. Well, I saw you and him in the kitchen baking pancakes." He started out talking out loud and clearly, but it ended up mumbling. "So I left again."

Now he looked me deeply in the eyes. I could see the pain shine through his dark hazel irises. The small remains of hope and will stayed behind his eyes. I could feel myself tearing up. NOT the time to start crying by the way.

"Alright", I said, my voice suddenly changing to a high pitched whine, as my throat tightened. I could feel my hands start shaking. Not only the thought of Gerard's sadness flew around in my head, no, all the sad, hopeless thoughts. Fuck.

Gerard looked at me with a raised brow. "You're okay?", he asked. I nodded. And I nodded just so much, that it wouldn't seem very convincing. He sighed, looked around, as if he was checking for people looking at us, but then he laid his hands on my shoulders and stepped closer. He was very close now, and normally I wouldn't accept it. But it was either letting him coming close, or letting him see my tears.

"If something's wrong, you can always talk to me", he whispered into my ear.

I slowly nodded, his words echoing inside my head. He gently wiped my tears away with his jacket's sleeve and smiled at me. His smile was so wonderful, so healing.

He looked at me the same way as Frank did.

That caring, sparkling, hopeful way.

Gerard pulled me into a tight hug, his arms pressing me close to his body. I laid my arms around him as well, hugging him tight, not wanting to ever let go, just wanting this feeling. I pushed my head into the crook of his neck, closing my eyes, smelling his warm scent, feeling his hair tickling my forehead.

Here. I wanted to be here. In this hug. Now, in a second, in a minute, in an hour, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year. I felt safe here in his arms. Nothing could hurt me here, not even my thoughts.

My worries about Frank, our relationship, disappeared. All the thoughts of me forcing myself to love Frank were gone. All my concerns about everything, even about my cutting, school and Gerard.

I don't know for how long we stood there, but it felt like heaven. I felt so safe in his arms. Nothing could hurt me, when I was with Gerard.

But, wait a second.

I was in a relationship with Frank. I was Frank's girlfriend. I had some responsibility there. I had my doubts about loving Frank, and I was basically manipulating and forcing myself to love him. This wouldn't last. I knew that.

And well, Mikey said the same thing. If one of us weren't happy and we didn't love each other.. It would be fake, just a friendship with a stupid title. It wasn't loving each other, it was just caring about each other.