Ghost In The Snow

Chapter 17: New start

Trigger: bruises and yelling

I sat in my bed, stared at the white bedsheets. I felt so empty. My head, my thoughts... They were gone? It felt like that. My problem, the relationship with Frank, it had ended and it was over. I had nothing to think about. Of course, now I could focus on my homework, classes and school in general.

But who am I kidding? Tomorrow morning hundreds of new problems will attack me. A wave of problems, flooding my head and slowly drowning me. That sounds more like it.

What am I doing?, I thought. The right thing, I answered myself. Yeah... Well, the relationship with Frank was poisonous and wouldn't last anyway. It would just turn into a vicious circle. Me hating myself for being in the relationship, for not loving Frank, Frank would get more nightmares and try to cope with them. And deep down we would both be insecure about our love for each other.

Being single was way better. No worries. But at the same time I would have nobody to cuddle with? I could probably survive. Now I was just being stupid! Anyway the most important thing was, that everybody was alright, and that we had supportive friends. Yeah... And I don't know what to call friends like mine. They were perfect, now I think about it.. They all cared, would help me, and well, Gerard said they all liked me.

I smiled to myself, feeling a shot of confidence and adrenalin push through my body. I had friends. Good friends even. And I should care about them, help them and not be so self-centered like I had been. It had been a bad start, but now things hopefully would go better. I would help them all and support the band.

The band. I could feel it; that band, it was going to be successful.

Out of nowhere, I was getting excited. I jumped out of my bed and walked around in the house. You know, those tours where you walk around in your house and appreciate everything. Every piece of furniture, every detail and even the messy corners no one wants to tidy up.

It all seems so much better, now when I've realized that I have friends, and that I can do whatever the fuck I want, as long as I take care of my friends.

I wanted to do something, but it was getting late. I couldn't wait until school tomorrow (wow), where I could see Gerard, Mikey, Frank and Ray.

I thought of something.

Frank was okay with us breaking up, he cried, but of course, who wouldn't? Love is some serious stuff, especially in this case, where one partner actually didn't love the other. But still, maybe I should just chill and keep quiet for some time. We broke up. It's a sad time for us both, of course it shouldn't be depressing and we shouldn't take distance from each other, but I couldn't just come to school tomorrow and pretend nothing ever happened.

I have to be a bit mournful. Later on, in the future, I have to chill and appreciate my friends. Take it easy, or it'll end up killing me in some way.

-

Do Wednesdays exist? It's like some days don't exist. They happen and the next day, when you accidentally think of the previous day, they don't. You question yourself, if they really happened, and you have to stop thinking right there or that shit will get deep.

But we all drag ourselves through those days that don't exist, and somehow we're still alive. Or are we? Okay, I'll stop it here. Don't think, just live.

I went to school and met the Ways on my way. They glanced over their shoulders, Gerard smiled at me. Mikey kept his pokerface. I pushed me in between them, looking at the ground and trying not smile.