Trigger warning: self harm
I said it, and I will say it again: It's dangerous to think after midnight. You can easily jump to stupid, overdramatic conclusions. Your sanity slowly slips away, as you keep awake, gazing at nothing, shaking and hyperventilating with wet eyes. And these thoughts... They won't go away, not just like that. They don't disappear into nothingness, they stay in your head, nagging you and won't leave you alone.
Not until you force them.
And there are two methods: For mentally strong people, force yourself to sleep. Sleep, don't think. Just. Fucking. Sleep. Smash your head into the pillow, feel the heavy thoughts drift away as you slip into unconsciousness, you know, when your body feels heavy, you can think, but your body can't move anymore. Then imagine a switch, click it, and now your thoughts are totally gone, and you will sleep. Your inner demons are gone for tonight.
But for mentally weak people... Cut the thoughts away. Take the blade, let it glide over your skin and let it leave a scar. Let your thoughts come out through your skin, through your blood. The sharp pain will dim your panic. And when your thoughts are out, you will feel so relaxed and empty. Other thoughts, feelings, will come to you.
As shame and regret, but hey, in general you will feel calm. Right until you see your scars, thinking of it, feeling the pain as soon as someone touches your scar, right until you feel the need to do it again. And the intrusive thoughts starts to not be about your real problems anymore, the thoughts start to be "I need to harm myself".
I guess I'm somewhere in the middle. The thoughts were flying around in my head, surrounded by hundreds of different emotions. I glanced at the pillow. Then I glanced at the direction of the blade, I knew was lying in a drawer. I sat totally still, couldn't move. I felt heavy as a stone, I was like a statuette. Drawn to the drawer like a magnet, yet the little remains of common sense wanted me just to slam my head into the pillow.
But I couldn't. Heavy like a zombie, carefully as a thief, I walked over to the drawer, took the blade. I did it.
The piercing pain hit me.
One, two, three, another cut on me.
The blade isn't warm, yes, this is self harm.
I'm a fool, not cool, not following society's rules.
Finally I could sleep.
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Ghost In The Snow
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