Ghost In The Snow

Chapter 6: Needs

Ten minutes later, I was sitting on my bed. With my back against the wall and my arms around my legs. My room was totally dark. The moon lit some parts of my floor up, and I was staring at the white floorboards. I felt the tears in my eyes. Felt how they slowly ran down my cheeks. My throat and neck became wet after a few minutes. So many tears... So many thoughts.

Did they really love me? Impossible... Well, Gerard seemed impressed of me, how I was brave enough to join their 'loser-club'. And he said, he maybe had fallen in love with me. So I can't really be sure, can I? I feel like Gerard is a sweet person in general. He would protect everyone. He would follow everyone home, if they wanted him to. Right?

On the other hand, Frank, well, he kissed me! Like, a real kiss. That's something, right? It's a pretty good sign for someone to love you, like, if they kiss you. But Frank didn't say so much about his feelings. I don't think, he's like that, showing emotions all the time. He didn't say much, but his smile after our kiss was ... It said it all. Even though he kissed me, and smiled like crazy after it, maybe he didn't really mean it? It could be, oh, it makes sense now! Doesn't it? The other boys dared Frank to kiss me. Maybe.

But Gerard technically also kissed me. I just wasn't supposed to know. Does he hide his feelings towards me? He told the other guys, but not me. Though, the last few days he has been a bit.. Well, he visited me (when I fell on the stairs), and .. Yeah. He seems interested. But they both seem interested! Ugh, I never thought I would get a problem like this.

It would be a fucking miracle, if just one person liked me! But no, no, no, it has to be a problem. Thank God... Now two boys like me. Or, well, at least I think so. I'm not sure what it all means. Maybe I should just... Just don't show any of them any emotions. Maybe then everything will fall into place. Maybe I should ask for help. Someone who isn't in this drama. Well, if Mikey knows anything, of course he'll say I should date Gerard. But, didn't Mikey say, he actually also liked me? Like, a bit? And he doesn't say so much. Mikey doesn't show any emotions. I need someone who talks a lot, says a lot, knows a lot!

I need Ray.

-

It was really late when I finally woke up. Like, 11am. Of course my parents didn't wake me up earlier, but I'm kinda happy for that anyway. Who would like to be waken up 8am a Saturday morning, after a night where you fell asleep at 3am? No one, okay, maybe some crazy people. But I'm not crazy! Just lazy.

I was wearing the clothes I wore yesterday. Bit uncomfortable to wear now... I got up and looked at the mess in the mirror. Plus, I didn't remove my simple make up last night, so I looked like a raccoon, who had been hit by a car. And not just hit by a car once, no, more like a 17 cars and 3 trucks. And a train. And somehow, also hit by a plane.

After what felt like three hours, I had removed my make up and looked decent. Acceptable. I had some cereal, which was boring as fuck, but I had to eat something before starting the mission I had planned.

The plan was to go 'running'. More like run past the Way's house and then search for wherever Ray lived. I only knew that it was in the opposite direction of the school. Of course, I could ask someone. But I had no one to ask. Well, I had Gerard, Mikey and Frank, but if I asked them, they would know I was planning something.

I went outside. Wow. Not really my thing to do. But I had to do this. I ran by the Way's household, and luckily I didn't see anyone standing by the windows or whatever. After some time, I passed the school, and now I just had to find Ray's house. I looked at the giant neighborhood. So many small roads, kinda hidden houses, so many houses = so many opportunities to where Ray lives.

This turned out to be almost impossible. I had been walking around and stared at mailboxes for almost an hour. I was walking on a pretty road, trees made large shadows appear on the houses' facades. The houses were small with big front gardens. A relaxing area, bit higher up than the rest of the city. And though calm vibes flowed through the air, I felt so done and hopeless. Maybe I should give up, figure it all out by myself.