Ghost In The Snow

Chapter 16: Goodbye Agony

Trigger warning: slight panic

Mikey and Gerard were late the next day. I used to follow them when we walked to school, but today I had to walk alone. Or I thought so. But suddenly Frank ran across the road, jumping up on the pavement next to me. His eyes were wide of happiness, his cheeks had a shadow of pink, and his piercings shone in the morning sun. It was easy to tell; Frank was happy to see me again.

He didn't even say hi, he said it with his eyes instead. I smiled to him, feeling anxious and uncomfortable being around him. Not that I didn't like him, I loved him (as a friend), but I was just nervous about my 'plan'. Breaking up with him. He was so happy and excited, and here was I, waiting for a moment, where I could break his tiny, happy, hopeful heart.

I shouldn't wait for long.

Living a lie is unpleasant for everybody.

"Is something wrong?", Frank asked with concern. I realized I hadn't reacted at all, since he ran across the road. "Oh, nothing", I lied and chuckled. He smiled, but I sensed his deep nervousness.

I stared at the pavement, walking a bit faster. "Hey-hey, I have short legs, don't walk so fast!", Frank laughed and ran a few steps to catch up. He was taller than me, but a naturally slow walker.

Suddenly he grabbed my hand and squeezing it tightly. At first, I felt his warmth run through my veins, spreading from my hand to the rest of my body like poison. It was supposed to be relaxing, but it made my muscles become stiff and it reminded me of my painful plan.

Classes are boring. As fuck. But I wasn't bored, no, not at all. I was busy thinking of one thing. Not anything related to the Russian revolution though. I was thinking of my plan. Breaking up with Frank. How did I do it? When? Hopefully he wouldn't go crazy or get mad. Just the thought of the rage in his eyes, his muscles tightening, stomping around and sending evil glances for a long time after the breakup... I cringed by the thought, and I was almost tearing up in class. No, hopefully he would be calm. But Frank was very unpredictable, anything could happen.

I was gazing at the blackboard, where the teacher continued rambling about Lenin and whatever. I was resting my head on my hand, not caring at all. The only thing I cared about right now was my plan, and the chances of Frank's reactions.

If Frank really loved me, he could be okay with me breaking up, right? Unless he had decided he couldn't function without me.

Then he wou-Frank interrupted me. He nudged my shoulder and whispered: "Can we meet in the park at 5pm?" I froze. What, why? Had he planned something? And what could it be? I couldn't start asking him in class though, so I just nodded and gave him a vague smile. He smiled back, a bit more excited, but I saw the panic in his eyes.

-

I walked back and forth in my room, getting more and more nervous. Every second left another butterfly in my stomach. More like a seagull instead of a butterfly. A screeching, hoarse gull screaming at everything, anxious, hungry and alone. Thousands of lonely gulls in my stomach, all screaming so loud, that I almost couldn't hear my own thoughts. Even though it was just a mental image, I was starting to get afraid of puking feathers. I was shaking a tiny bit, breathing faster and flickering eyes. Am I losing myself?

I didn't have time to think of that question. I glanced at my clock. 4:54 pm. It would take four minutes to go to the park, so I should go now.

I almost ran down to the park, which was empty. I looked around, no Frank. I walked around, gasping for my breath.

The park was placed basically behind the road I lived on. The low, green trees swayed in the mild wind. There was a smell of newly cut grass, refreshing and reminded me of a warm summer. The sun shone on the swings, which I decided to walk over to. I sat down on one of them, swung back and forth in a relaxed tempo. It helped me disconnect from all of my problems. The sight of nature, fresh air in my lungs... It can cure everything.