Ghost In The Snow

Chapter 24: Demons

Trigger warnings: scars, self harm and depression are mentioned

We sat on the couch together and watched a horror movie. My head was lying on his shoulder, and his arm was resting around my neck. The movie wasn't that scary, especially not now, where there was some kind of romantic... well, a sex scene. Imagine how awkward this was. Watching that with your new boyfriend by your side. "Why is there always a scene like this in a horror movie...", I mumbled into his neck, not wanting to look at the television. "So the murderer can hear them and attack. Stab them while they're naked and stuff." Gerard looked at me and smiled slightly. I couldn't resist to laugh, he started chuckling, and I buried my head in his hair. "But seriously, sex scenes in family movies as well... They're so awkward!" "I know", Gerard sighed and rubbed my back.

High pitched screams could be heard from the television, and though I'd like to see who the murder was, I didn't turn around. Instead, I shuffled around so I basically sat on Gerard's lap. "You're heavy", he commented without looking at me. I furrowed my eyebrows and stared at him. Did he just say I'm fat? He started giggling and shook his head, "Nah, I'm kidding. You don't weigh that much. Sure you're not underweight or anything?" He looked at me in a worried way. I shrugged since I didn't want to talk about my weight. I had lost quite a lot of weight since I came to this city. To this life.

I'm not sure if this life is better. I'm still with the weirdos (though they're way nicer than the popular idiots), I'm not popular, I self harm. This life is shit. But I have friends. Good friends, who really care about me. I'm thankful for that. I know they won't judge me, they are here to help. If I told them the truth about my self harm problem, they would help me. But still, it's a very private problem and I'm scared. Scared to tell anyone, scared that they'll judge me anyways or the worst thing... Tell me that they've been through the exact same thing.

"Tess?", Gerard whispered. I blinked a couple of times and looked up at him. "Was that tears I felt on my neck?" Shit, since when was I crying? It was the thought of them self harming. Gerard, Mikey, Ray and even Frank are good people. They don't deserve to feel sad, lonely, or anything like that. They don't deserve to feel those emotions I feel. "Uhm... Yeah. Tears..", I mumbled and glanced around. "What's wrong?", he asked and pushed me away so he could see my face. "Nothing", I said and tried to smile.

He lowered his eyes for a moment before sighing and saying: "I know something is wrong. I know when something is wrong with people. I'm wrong. I'm depressed, I'm on pills, and I've tried to kill myself. I can see it on you. I think you're okay today, but since... I don't know since when, but I can feel your sadness. It surrounds you, leaves everybody around you worried and feeling weird. The other day when we all sat under the tree, when Mikey asked if you're okay.. Honestly I thought you were depressed."

They know. They always knew, but it's getting serious now. I'm at a point where I don't care anymore, and that is dangerous.

"I'm fine," I told him and smiled. I shook my head slightly, in that way people do when they try to explain something. "Don't worry about me."

I tried to smile. I have often faked a smile, so I think it looked real. I took a deep breath so I could remain calm. I've got to keep smiling, keep faking this facade...

Gerard looked disappointed. He swallowed the empty answer, he answer he didn't want. He knew something was wrong, and maybe I should just tell me truth.

God, why am I lying to myself. I can't take this anymore. Fuck it.

I felt the strong tears pushing through, felt how they stung. "I'm not okay", I whispered with a shaky voice. "Not at all..."

"It's okay", Gerard assured me and instantly hugged me. I pushed myself away from him, looking him straight in the eye. "But it's not okay." "You will be fine, we're here to help you." Gerard tried to smile, but his smile broke like his voice. "It's a good thing that you tell me this, you're very brave, okay?" I nodded though I didn't feel very brave. I felt like I had given up completely.

I drowned in my own thoughts, but then Gerard said something. "You know what you deserve?" I lifted one eyebrow, questioning him with my face. I didn't want to talk. I had talked too much already. I shouldn't be allowed to talk.

Gerard tilted his head slightly to the left and leant in, probably for a kiss. Though I didn't feel like kissing, like living my life at all, I did the same and let my eyes close. I met his soft, cold, thin lips. It was like our lips just brushed each other and that was it. I let myself collapse into his arms and lay there with my eyes crying into the crook of his neck. I couldn't stop crying. I felt terrible, this was what I wanted so bad, a kiss, and then I end up crying like a little bitch.

"It's okay, just let it out. You'll feel better after crying, okay?" His raspy voice seemed so calming. Gerard grabbed my arm and squeezed it. I tried to breathe in deeply and calmly, but it ended up in a sharp gasping. The stinging wounds stung even more because of the pressure. I flung myself away from him, ending up on the other end of the couch.

I grabbed my bare arm and rubbed it carefully. "Ow..." I mumbled while looking at my sleeve, which had moved, so the cuts were visible.

Busted.

Time went like slow motion, and I couldn't stop glaring at my scars. They weren't supposed to be shown to others. It was like they only existed when I was alone and ready to add more painful stripes to my collection, but here they were; appearing in front of Gerard.

I finally glanced up at Gerard, who looked like he just had seen a ghost. His face was even paler than normal. His eyes were blank. His mouth open. His lips trembled. He pressed his lips together and looked away for a moment. He furrowed his brows, looked up at me and his eyes could only show me one emotion, one word. Why.

He tried to say something, but his voice broke instantly. "Are those?.." His voice quivered. I nodded slowly.

"Oh man... Come here", he said and moved closer to me. He stared at the swollen red, white, and blue lines on my skin while whispering: "I - I can't relate to the fact how you torture yourself like that..."

"I don't think it's torture if you like like it", I mumbled, not wanting him to hear it. I feel kinda good after cutting.

"Don't do such thing, Tess.." He was still staring at them. The cuts. I remember causing every single one of them. "Stop your preaching right there, I will do it again", I said quickly and straightened my back, not wanting to give in. He instantly glanced up at me with his wet eyes. The pain in his eyes was overwhelming. Without breaking eye contact, he showed his pale arm. "Would you cut my arm?" The silence was killing me, the pain too. "No!", I almost yelled in surprise. "Then why would you do it to yourself?"

He's clever.

"I promise this will never happen again", I sighed. I looked him straight in the eye because now I realized. Violence is not the answer. Don't harm others, but don't harm yourself either.

"Thank you. You were losing yourself. But you need to trust me, and you need to try to not let the thoughts get you, okay?", he said and squinted his eyes slightly. He laid his hand on my shoulder, rubbing it carefully. "Because what good is my help, if you can't help yourself at least a little bit?" "I don't know", I mumbled and looked down. I sighed, "I wonder how long we find a way out of darkness... and out of harm." "We'll help each other in this fight called life" Gerard smiled, and his smile lit the whole room up with hope. "Yeah. We'll help each other", I confirmed as I hugged him tight.