Things I Don't Get.

My Mom...

Okay so.. I've only told !!!this to... My sister, my stepsister, my two best guy friends, and my best friend.. Then I've told Sherri.. Anyways..

It kinda messed me up and I'm still pretty screwed up because of it. But, over Christmas break.. I think this was, like, two days before Christmas.. My mom and her husband went Christmas shopping then they went to the bar and (of course) got drunk. When they get home everyone is pretty much ready to go to bed.

My mom grabs my hand and won't let it go as Morgan and Payton go to bed. Logan is just sitting at the table awkwardly and Brodie is staring drunkenly at the TV or whatever. Then my mom starts to freaking cry. And I have no idea why she's crying. Like... What the Hell?? It kinda freaks me out and I hate to see her cry because, even if she's done things that I don't like and I don't have too much respect for her over these things, she's still my mom and I still lover her.

I ask her why she's crying and her response is to say, "If anything happens you need to keep the family together."

What?! What is happening to where you aren't going to be around!!! Don't say this stuff!! So I get even more freaked out and ask her, "What's going to happen?"

"If anything happens, keep the family together because Logan won't call or contact you. And don't let Payton drift away, either."

Like.. Seriously.. This freaks me out so bad.. Why was she thinking like this? In my panicked state, I simply utter "Okay.." reapeatedly.. what else can I say??

Then she starts crying more. By this time, I'm crying, too. Brodie has gone to bed now and is texting Mom to go to bed with him. She doesn't pay any attention to her phone. He eve calls her a few times but Mom's still just crying.

Then she freaking apologizes to me for the shitty childhood I had. I don't know what to feel about this. Like... At least she's finally acknowledging that I did, in fact, have a bad childhood.. Technically no childhood at al. But, then again, she's drunk and if she were sober, there is no way she'd ever confess to any of this. Especially when she practically ignores me whenever she's sober. This is what makes me mad.. Do I have a right to be mad over this?? Because I am.. As well as upset.. Like.. Don't apologize to me when you're freaking drunk and just completely ignore all this stuff when you're not under the influence of alcohol.

I don't say anything to this.. I can't. My mom continues to cry and says stuff like she shouldn't have put me through everything she did and how she wishes I could just be happy and carefree and have a happy childhood. All the while, I'm thinking that we can't change the past. So it's pointless to even think about trying to. She then continues on to say that if anything happens to the family, I need to keep us all together. The only thing I can say is okay.. Even when she goes back to apologizing to my childhood.. Then she says "It's not okay. I shouldn't have done that. I'm so, so sorry."

She's still crying and I've begun to cry too. I mean.. Who wouldn't be crying in a situation like this??

Mom then changes the subject a bit by saying, completely out of the freaking blue, "I should have given you up." What? What! You don't ever say this to your child. "I should have given you to an older couple who could have raised you better than I did. But I couldn't because I wanted you."

I mean, even that second part.. You shouldn't tell your kid you should have given them up for adoption... Do you know how badly that fucks with their heads??? Like.. Really... I even hate thinking about it now and I'm pretty much fighting tears.. Like it seriously has me so messed up.. I think about what she said to me everyday. By now I'm crying more.. Because, really.

We go through all three of those conversations quite a few times and I just can't stop crying now.. Then she decides to bring up the subject of her husband. She says, "Brodie thinks you don't like him."

Yeah, I'd say that's a pretty safe assumption. But I'll have you know my reason(s) for not liking him are pretty valid. I don't respond to this so she continues.

"That's why we went to the bar. So we could talk about you."

What. They went to the bar to talk about me. Well.. That's fantastic to know. So it's my fault they got drunk, now. Wonderful.

I still don't say anything and mom keeps talking. "He said he doesn't think you like him. So I told him that she thinks you don't like her."

To clarify.. He's made it pretty damn clear he doesn't like me. You know.. For turning off my phone because I was watching movies with my friends... He's done this so many times I can't even count. Then the fact that he tells all of us that if we want something we can just ask but whenever I even begin to ask for something I'm just completely shot down. Or how about when he kicked me out of the house?? Oh, yes. You got me. That is definitely liking me... So is playing the favorites game where Payton, Logan and Morgan get what they ask for and I'm just ignored.

Don't get me wrong, I love Morgan, Payton, and Logan. I do. But... Can we go back to Morgan's last birthday? I'm straying from topic a little here but it's kind of relevant to this favorites game. Like.. Really relevant.

So.. The year I was going to turn eighteen, the only thing I told my mom and Brodie that I wanted was tickets to Warped Tour, because, hello.. It's freaking Warped Tour. The tickets were only forty-five dollars, which is an amazing price considering it's an all day event with over fifty bands playing in one day. That is an amazing deal. They just say, "Hm."

I didn't end up getting the tickets, surprise, surprise.. I wasn't really expecting to but it still kind of hurt because its the only thing I asked for. What hurt worse was the fact that I didn't get anything from them.. Nothing. Not a card, no cake.. No party.. Not even a freaking happy birthday. Yeah, you care so much. Then... Then. They decide to tell me two weeks after my birthday that "Oh we were getting ready to buy the tickets for you but then we heard that people like to hug people there so we decided that you can't go." Don't tell me that. You're making it worse. But seriously? I couldn't go because people hug each other?!

Morgan turned seventeen that year.. Her eighteenth birthday was actually yesterday.. So yeah, a year ago precisely.

Morgan asks for a gold necklace with a seventeen on it, because ya know.. It's her golden birthday. Okay.. that's fine.

Brodie gets her the necklace. Wanna take a guess at the cost?

Keep in mind.. They couldn't get me $45.00 tickets.

Yeah.. The necklace was over a thousand dollars.

But wait! That's not all!!!!

Morgan got a car too. A damn nice one at that. '08 Pontiac G6 convertible. Wanna take a guess at the cost? At least seven thousand. So.. Brodie spent over eight thousand dollars on Morgan and he couldn't even get me a freaking card?????

You tell me that is not favoring her over me. Like seriously.. How screwed up is that??

Anyways... Yeah.. So he doesn't like me. And I don't like him, for reasons I don't feel like disclosing at this exact moment.. I mean I may have given you a few reasons just now but those definitely aren't all of them.

Mom then goes on to tell me that Brodie does love me and he's hurt because he thinks I don't like him. I don't say anything because.. It's true.. I don't like him.. But I really and truly believe that he doesn't give a shit about me. He's just upset because he can't control me and that he realized that when I moved into my dad's house after he kicked me out of his house.

Oh yeah.. That's definitely love.

Then, she changes the subject back to how she wishes I didn't have any worries and I was happy. And she even goes on to say that I'm so brave and strong.

Which I had to internally laugh at because, seriously. I'm not brave or strong at all.. And I honestly don't know what happiness is because all I do is stress and worry and bring myself down.. That's not being brave or strong.

I'm actually terrified of a lot of things.. Too many to even count.

She concludes the night before going to bed by saying I'm stubborn.. That's the only thing she knows about me.. I am stubborn.

I go to my room but can't fall asleep because this whole ordeal is still going through my head.. Do you know how many times I've cried over this? Like.. Just in that night I had to have cried at least ten times.