28 DAYS [MakoHaru]

fourteen

Chapter Fourteen

"When I was nine years old, I had an older sister," Haruka begins.

He is no longer crying, his expression stoic as usual. "Her name was Erika." He keeps his eyes trained away from Makoto's gaze, focused on the tide. The expanse of blue water stretches out as far as they can see, at least dozens of miles off into the horizon. Makoto finds himself unable to distinguish where the ocean ends and the dusky sky begins.

Had. Was. Makoto notices his word choice. Past tense.

"She was the most important person in my life. She was so kind to everyone, no matter who they were, always spreading love and positivity. She was also the golden girl at school. As a second year in high school, she was already being recruited for top colleges around the country, being at the top of her class, the student council president, and the principal violinist in her school's orchestra. She had it all."

"And then what happened?" Makoto asks, a bad feeling seeping in his chest when he realizes he already knows the answer.

"Erika died saving me," Haruka mumbles. "I was a dumb kid who thought it would be okay to run into the street. I had no idea a car was barreling around the corner, and she pushed me out of the way. She died so I could live."

Another stake flies into Makoto's heart. Haruka has only begun, and already Makoto can't take any more. He bites his lip and stares straight ahead, afraid if he interrupted Haruka would stop his story before it was finished.

"After her death, my entire family dynamic changed," Haruka explains. "I already knew Erika was the favorite child, the glue that held our family together. Everyone changed after she died. My mother became depressed, burying herself into work through the day and drinks away her sorrows before hiding in her room at night, staring off into space for hours. My father, a powerful lawyer, has been cheating on my mom for years with his assistant, who's fifteen years younger than him. Their marriage is broken but they stay together so our family can seem normal from the outside. And as for me, they hardly notice me. On the rare occasion I do see them, they always have something to criticize me for. Somehow they still hold the expectations for me that they do for Erika, but I'm never good enough. My grades aren't as good as hers, I'm not in any clubs, and I don't have a wide circle of friends. I'm a disappointment to them, nothing but a mistake."

Haruka turns to look at Makoto in the eye. "One time my mother told me in her drunken stupor she wished Erika had been the one to live."

Makoto can pinpoint the exact moment his heart shatters, and he feels like the wind has been knocked out of his lungs. How does a young child even live with themselves knowing their parents, the two most important people in their lives, don't want them alive?

"I live off of antidepressants, manufactured joy that helps me get through each day, and that's the best I'll ever feel," He continues, his voice unwavering.

Makoto thinks of his anxiety medication, the tiny red pills that sit in the plastic container at home, the tiny red pills that control his life. He remembers how his sister put in skittles with each day's dosage so he'd have something to smile about.

"So, you know. I've never felt like I've belonged. I know what everyone thinks of me, I hear the whispers behind my back. But I can handle it. I can handle spaz, and I can deal with people calling me queer. I can even deal with people calling me loser. But the one thing I can't take is when they call me freak."

Haruka Nanase, the freak! Nagisa's voice echoes in Makoto's mind, practically haunting him. Why would you ever want to talk to him?

"Being a freak boxes me in any more than any of those other meaningless insults would," Haruka mumbles. "Being a freak means that those nights where my mother had too many glasses of wine were justified. Being a freak means that I deserve to cry myself to sleep when I hear my parents screaming at each other being their locked door at two in the morning. Being a freak meant that I am incapable of feeling any emotion."