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by myobsessiveways

by myobsessiveways

My eyes were never quite as bright after my mom died.

I used to get complimented on my eyes more than anything. I was told at a young age that your eyes are a window to your soul. Every time I look in the mirror I'm reminded that my soul has dimmed, and now, no one ever compliments my eyes.

It was my second day of third grade when officer Dawn picked me up from school instead of my dad. The ride was quiet, Dawn was on the phone with another officer if I remember right. I thought I was in trouble honestly. I wasn't really a bad kid besides the extra food I'd take from the cafeteria when my mom's broken ribs prevented her from shopping. I had gripped my backpack so tight and tried to think about something positive. I was so excited to show my mom my new drawing. I had worked so hard on it and her birthday was only a week away. The cop car came to a complete stop and I peeked out the window.

We were stopped on a bridge covered in cops. I remember liking the lights. I saw my dad talking to a paramedic before Dawn turned her head to me. "Stay here," she instructed before jumping out of the car and heading over to my father and the other cops.

I didn't listen.

I jumped out of the back of the car and started to my father. I thought he was injured but when a gurney rolled past me with a big black bag on it, I knew that wasn't the case.

I went after the gurney but felt my dad's strong hand on my arm before I could move.

"It's your mother. She jumped, she's dead."

"You have like the prettiest eyes I've ever seen" Dan broke the silence between us. We were sitting on my kitchen floor across from each other. I looked at him, I had been staring at my betta fish swimming from side to side of his tank and trying to picture the last time I fed him.

"Really?" I chuckled. "My eyes are like my least favorite feature." I thought about my mom. Her eyes were (Y/e/c), just like mine.

"Really. I think your eyes are awesome," Dan said and took a bite out of his peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He certainly protested when I told him my favorite food was a pbj. 'Really? Any food in the world and you like pbjs? Over lobster? Bacon?' I smiled at the thought of my doofus.

It's like he was rewriting the memories in my head and taking away all the bitterness. I don't mind having such deep feelings for him anymore.

"You know, I've heard that your eyes are a window to your soul?" Dan said like it wasn't the most important quote in my life.

"I think I love you." My heart sank as the words came out of my mouth, and I could tell his heart sank too. He had this look in his eyes that I couldn't understand, and all the questions flooded through my head at once. Was this a mistake? Now I felt insecure.

He shifted, and he had a sad look in his eyes. He moved his body so he was up against the dishwasher next to me. I looked at the oven clock, '2:34am.' He was warm next to me.

"Look..." He said, quietly. Now i felt extremely insecure. "What i feel for you, I can't deny." His voice was raspy and low. "Sometimes I just feel like you won't be honest with me." He avoided eye contact. That stung just a little bit. I had to contain myself and not overreact, my therapist says I tend to. He wasn't wrong, I have lied to him on multiple occasions. I didn't even think he could be hurt by me.

"I'm sorry," I didn't really know what else to say. I couldn't promise him I wouldn't hurt him again because I just might.

"No don't be sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I just..." Dan sighed. "Phil and I are going outta town, we have some live shows we've had planned for a long time. And the thing is, I don't even wanna go. I worry about you so much that I stay awake at night. I don't- I can't feel the way I feel about you if you're freaking out all the time, and won't even talk about it." He said such harsh words in a soothing voice. He even took my hand in his. "I just think after I get back we should figure out what we really wanna do here."

I blinked for the first time. I took my hand away from his. "I think you should go," I whispered.

"No (Y/n, I'm sorry I di-"

"No, I know. I'm okay, you're right. I haven't been honest with you. I need time too." I smiled, I lied.

He wouldn't leave after that for a while. We talked about his tour, and he gave me that look that you give your dog when you think she's gonna choke on a big piece of food you gave her. So, I kept on pretending even though I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry.

Finally, I started getting tired, and so did he. He seemed assured that we're okay after that. We even laughed a little. I walked him to the door and he turned to me before he left. "I love you too, you know."

I smiled, "I know." I shut the door behind him and walked back to the kitchen. I opened the cabinet under the sink and grabbed the unopened bottle of jack from behind the floor cleaner.

I cracked the seal.

AUTHORS NOTE:

Sup!!!! SO, sorry i abandoned this I really can't make time for writing like I used to, but I thought I'd publish this SHIT chapter I've hated it since I first wrote it, but Idk some of you guys seem to be fans lmao enjoy! Oh also I have like 7 chapters of a shit PHAN story where Dan is a lawyer, and Phil is accused of murder. Interested? ily xoxox -Claire