My Silenced Cries

Toxic

So this is it? You're the only person that is ever going to love me. 

You abuse me, mentally and emotionally. Sounds like such a petty card to play. How can someone even prove that?

Kids these days I swear they have no mental strength. They think everything is hate crime or an attack on them. They think everyone is out to get them. They can't handle the real world and what it has to offer. 

I'm a strong woman. I forced to grow up fast. Dealt with a lot of crap as a kid and a teenager. I'm thankful for it everyday though. Because it prepared me to deal with my biggest demon. 

The love of my life.

Or at least the first love of my life. 

A girl. So powerful. Charismatic. Manipulating. Evil. Loving. Sweet. Caring. Victimizing. Hot-Headed. And Toxic. 

Who knew one person could just steal everything you had built up your whole life. Not tangible stuff. Not money, not furniture, not a car. But confidence. Self-Love. Acceptance. The ability to maintain your emotions.

I would have done anything for this girl. She only wanted to walk all over me. 

I knew I was stuck forever. Or for at least most of my lifetime. 

Escape wasn't likely. Not because I couldn't but because I didn't want to. 

She never laid a finger on me. She was very proud of that. 

But she robbed me of every once of self respect I had scraped together. 

I've never really liked myself. Ever really, not even as a child. 

I was finally becoming happy with who I was. Finally comfortable in my own skin, accepting of my body type, sexuality, my ability to make it in this world. I was as happy with myself as I ever was. I was falling in love with me. Who would have thought? A self-harm victim. A girl who hated herself and everyone around her. I had nearly flipped a 180. I was going to make a career out of writing novels and I had all the tools to do that. I was happy. 

Then I met this girl. Slowly but surely she took that all from me piece by piece. And I helped. I handed over all the pieces. I just wanted to make her happy. I fell back into a pit. "But she's the only one that will ever love me." "But she takes such good care of me." "But I want to be independent, I don't wanna live at home." "But I'm ready to be an adult." My mom told 17 year old me "This is not going to be good. You're going to regret moving out so early." I didn't care. I didn't listen. I just wanted to be loved and on my own. 

So I moved out. Barely 17 years old and I started paying rent and utilities and buying groceries and I got a full time job and I dropped out of high school for the 3rd time and I slowly handed her everything I loved about myself. 

Independence is extremely important to me. Always has been. She did everything in her power to make sure I was not independent at all. She had to have the higher paying job. The cars had to be in her name. Everything had to be done through her. 

She proposed to me on Christmas Eve. Not even 3 weeks later she starts cheating on me with a girl from work. 

I died. 

I had given up everything for her. Given her everything I was. Let go of everything I had ever wanted so that she could be happy. I was becoming exactly what she wanted me to be and it still wasn't good enough for her. She had to find someone else. 

I fought. I really did. I didn't want to lose her. 

She ended up kicking me out. 

She felt no remorse for what she had done and she didn't care that about what she was giving up. She just wanted me out so this new girl could move in. 

I didn't think I would make it through three months. I thought surely I would be dead. I had never been more depressed. I wanted to cry all the time. 

It's been almost a year since I moved out. She messages me occasionally and wants back in my life. And I always welcome her back in. With open arms even. 

I still love her. 

And she's still the only person that will ever love me. 

If anyone could prove me wrong I think I could move on. 

But 12 unsuccessful months of dating and trying to meet other people. 

I really think she's the only person that will ever love me. 

And she doesn't even really love me 

She loves to manipulate me. 

Take advantage of my emotions.

Use my weaknesses against me.

And step on me. 

She really does love me.