My Silenced Cries

I might as be on my knees and begging.

Hate: A strong emotion that tears us apart, starts wars, and kills so many.

Guns don't kill people hatred does. 

You wouldn't pull the trigger of a loaded gun to your head if you didn't hate yourself in some way.

Weather you heat a choice YOU made.

Or you hate what YOU do to people.

How YOU react to things around you.

How you hate that other people hate you. 

I'm begging you... to just hate me...

Hate me like I hate myself, there is no good. 

I'm broken beyond fixing and every time I look in the mirror I look death in the eyes.

Seeing older versions of me... slitting their wrists. 

Is this a sing?

That... that in the future it only gets worse?

That there really is no love, no better, no sanity.

Does God really even exist? 

He's never answered one single prayer of mine. 

He couldn't kill me. He couldn't help me, make her stop. 

But she would never stop. That's just who she is and we all have to execpt that. 

Mom; you've done nothing but make me hate life,

You have made me hate myself, and what I am today. 

I am nothing because of you.

Your the bully that I can't get away from.

I wish I knew where you were when you don't come home at night... but then again, that would jsut be more pain.

  ----Hate----

I look at you every time I tell you 'I love you'

I mean it... I dont say ily, i luv ya, love u, or <3 you :) I say I love you.

You say it to... but you don't mean it.

What is love even anymore?

People say it all the time. You meat someone in the Walmart check out and tell them you love them because of something they said that made you laugh.

Is that all love is? 

I believe that it's out there. 

I found it... and it shot me down.

I found it again and it was stolen from me.

I thought I loved you, no scratch that... I do love you... 

But... why do you have to lie? 

Why do you have to say I love you too?

Why cant you be honest with me?

Tell me you hate me. I know you do.

Deep down you do, you hate me.

You hate me for what I have done.

You hate me for what I haven't done.

You hate me for keeping secrets and for being open...

You hate me for hiding things.

For backing down mid sentence and closing up.

You hate me for being scared of admitting...

Admitting everything.

You hate me for talking to you everyday, you wish I would leave you alone and stop bugging you.

You hate having to reassure me of everything every waking moment. 

You hate me for always taking the easy way out, for not being strong for you.

You hate me for not being there for you when you needed me most. 

I understand that you dont want to be there for me either. I dont deseve it. 

You hate not being able to tell me how you feel, scared that it will hurt me... but hey, the truth hurts... 

You hate me, you can't help it. No one can. 

I push the people that love me away. I don't know why.

Yes I do...

I do it because... you cant love someone like me.

I dont deserve love, I never did, I never will.

I can't be loved because I wil never love myself.

How could someone love this mess, this trainwreck, depressing person.

I never should have talked to you.

I never should have held you back.

I never shout have stopped you from moving on, for forcing you to look back on the ugly and not forward to the beautiful.

I never should have took advantage of you.

I never should have thought that this was ok.

I wish I could take back all the hurt I caused you... that I could take back it all and be the girl behind the mask... 

But I trusted you, only to have you hurt me... 

It's hard to trust others when everyone you have opened your heart to just crushes you in the end... Always.

I want nothing more then for you to be happy.

You can't be happy with me in your life. 

So please tell you hate me. 

Leave me in the dust, and stop leading me on.

Because the truth hurts... but being lied to hurts worse. 

I love you... You know who you are so I'll save you the grief and leave out your name