My Silenced Cries

Slumberful Love

Katie. Before you read too far into this don't panic please.

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We all make mistakes.

Everyone keeps saying that.

We all slip up.

That's just life.

We all feel abandoned at times and look for love in some of the darkest places.

But what if I already found love. And was touched so deeply by it that I didn't know if I could ever be healed.

What if I was just looking for answers in dark places.

All I wanted to know is what if felt like.

If it really was better love.

I just wanted to know why she gave up.

So I slipped. I won't admit to what I did because in complete honesty it doesn't feel like I even did it. I don't feel guilty or scared. I just feel like it was another day gone by and everything's just normal.

After, when I got home and started to wash all my clothes. I started to run over everything in my head. I was trying to hurt myself. So I could feel that low again and so I could hurt.

I feel like hurt and intense pain is the most pure high I can feel. It's what reminds me I'm human and that I can feel. Because for a long time I haven't really felt anything sharp.

But for some reason I couldn't be mad. I couldn't be hurt.

I got violent. I wanted to hurt her and scream at her and get my point across and I wanted to make her feel as low as she made me feel.

I laughed. I laughed a lot. Laughing at how pathetic she was for leaving me over something that only made me tired.

Why would you drop love just to be tired?

I can officially say that because I wasn't hurt. I'm completely over her. I don't feel anything towards her anymore, but anger and regret. And those feelings aren't even very strong.

I'm learning to be more peaceful and smile more.

I still stare at the ground and I hate eye contact.

But now there's a boy. And he's madly in love with me. And that scares me. I told him that it scared me and he told me he was scared too.

But all my friends make fun of him and think he's weird.

But I'm not really sure what I think about or care about anyone anymore.

No body really knows me. And the only one that really cares to get to know me is the boy. But ever since he told me he was falling in love with me. I've been pushing him way... Because I don't want to get hurt again. Ever.

I just really need to talk to someone. I have a lot of things I want to figure out about myself. Like why I twitch, and why I can't seem to care enough to talk to people.

I'm coming to find there are some things that Google just can't answer.

I'm lost. But I've never felt more at peace.

I've never felt more mellow and secure. When I should probably be scared now more than ever.

I'm just an organized mess that needs to vent I guess.

---Love <3

All is well.