Texting / Shawn Mendes

It's All My Fault

Driving back home is surely a weird experience. He hasn't looked at me once, his eyes are glued on the road. I am killing my time, trying to address what is going through his mind. We messed up. I should have stopped him as soon as I realized what he was about to do but... I couldn't...

Why? Well, I have no idea. Do I even have feelings for him? How is that even possible? I don't even know him that well. Having feelings for him is impossible... We are different in every way, but that's not what bothers me the most. Having feelings for someone means thinking about him...a lot... and trust me I don't have time for that. My grades are perfectly fine but spending time thinking about him means that it'll be impossible for me to focus. Nop... Falling in love doesn't fit to my schedule. I have plans and goals for my future. I won't let a stupid romance to prevent me from fulfilling them.
On the other hand, losing him is not an option. Again, I truly hate to admit it but he means a lot to me. I don't want him to leave for L.A and being upset about it. I have to tell him... I need to...

"Shawn?"

He doesn't turn to me. He is still looking at the road, a blank expression on his face.

"I need to talk to you"

"Shoot it" he repeats what I've told him earlier.

"I don't want you to be like that... I don't want what we have to change. I hope you know how much you mean to me."

"It's too late, Malia"

"What is that supposed to mean, Shawn?"

"It's not everything peachy Malia. You've said it to me already: we can't go back in time. We can't erase it. It happened and it will always be marked to our minds whether we like it or not. Things happen for a reason. I can't act like it never happened! So don't fucking expect me to act normal. Get over it."

There is no emotion in his words. He is shooting me with blank words that make me sick to my stomach.

I am not feeling very well. He made me a mess. Why would he even say that to me? He doesn't even want me being around him anymore just because I told him that we move way too fast? What is wrong with him? Talking aggressively and swearing... I've never heard him swear before! Not even that time that his phone fell and his screen slightly cracked. He's the one that kissed me and he's the one that is mad at me?

Suddenly the air in the car got thick. I am feeling that I can't breathe. His words passed through me making my mind a mess. He acts like a stranger. I squeeze my hands in fist in anger. I need to get out of this car immediately.

"Stop the car." He turns to me, confused.

"Stop the fucking car" I yelled to him.

The car stops abruptly and I open the door right away. I get out and I start walking fast to the opposite direction.

"What the hell Malia? Where are you going?" he yells at me as he's getting out of the car.

"Far away from you! Isn't what you really want?"

"Stop being a child Malia. Grow up. You act like a spoiled six years old!"

"Seriously Shawn? You are the one who hasn't talk to me since we left and you are the one that yelled to me in the car for telling you that I don't want what we have to change. Like I don't even get it. What have I even done wrong? Is that how you face your problems? By freaking out and yelling to whoever tries to make things up?"

"What am I supposed to do, huh? Act like nothing happened? Its difficult to me already and you only make it worse! I need time don't you get it? Stop making me look like the bad guy. Get in the car Malia." he yelled back.

I am walking back towards him, with anger running through my veins. My hands are still in fists and I'm pretty sure that my face is as red as a tomato. I stop when my face is inches away from his. My eyes are looking deep into his hazel ones who are fully in anger. His eyes softens but are still glued in mine.

I look down just to calm myself a little.

I want him to be him. The guy that once texted me by mistake but he texted me the next day again just to get to know me. The sweet, caring boy that I could trust and get the best advice when things got out of control with my anxiety issues and the one who would call me at midnight just to remind me that he will always be there and that he truly cares about me. The one who would tell me a stupid joke just to listen to me laughing.

He capped my cheeks with his hands and lifts it to the height of his eyes. He smiles to me and he places a kiss on my forehead. His fingers are softly rubbing my cheeck and his thumb is resting on my lips.
What is wrong with us? Minutes ago I was about to kill him and now... Oh well...

"Let's get out of here." he simply says.
He walks me back to the car and opens the door for me.