Texting / Shawn Mendes

The Talk

Grayson just left and I'm walking back to the hotel. Millions of thoughts run through my mind making me nervous and lifting up my anxiety level.
The sun is gone and the street lights are now my only source of light. It's almost 8 p.m. and my phone died hours ago, but I feel relieved when I can finally see the small café next to our hotel. I walk in and greet the receptionist who welcomes me with a kind smile. I go straight to the elevator and push the button to the highest level where my room is.

I rest my back at the elevator wall and take a deep breath letting everything sink in. It's been a long day. Seeing Grayson, seeing Shawn, almost getting hit by a bus and opening up to Grayson and expressing my feelings for him.
Thinking of Shawn, my fear that he doesn't have any feelings for me anymore becomes more and more real. Why does he ignore me? Why is he always with her?
Am I not good enough anymore? Why didn't he do anything when he saw me with Grayson? Why did he looked at me as if he's disappointed?

The elevator's doors open and I make my way to my room. I open the door and Shawn is sitting at my bed. He looks at me disappointed for one more time today.
I sigh frasterated.

"Malia, can we please talk?"

I ignore his question and sit next to him.

"What is it?"

"What's going wrong between us?"

"Good question, but I think you already know the answer."

"I don't."

Is he seriously acting like he's done nothing wrong.

"Are you trying to accuse me for this?" I moved my hands between us.
"While you are the one going out all day with her and not even bothered to see if I am alive?" I ask him dissapointed.

"Malia, you are the one who stopped talking to me and I gave you space." He said calmly as it is the most obvious thing in the world.

"I never asked for space."

"You stopped talking to me when we were in the airport. I thought that you were tired from the lack of sleep so I stopped bothering you. You didn't talk to me during the intire flight or when we went to that hotel. You pushed yourself away from me and I respected it. I really don't get it why you accuse me and today I see you going around with another guy as if we are not a couple."

"I only had 10 hours of sleep last week. I couldn't sleep because I was thinking of us and analyzing every single move that I made making sure that I did everything correctly. This is my first serious relationship and I get stressed out because I'm scared that I'll ruin it. I have been feeling exhausted Shawn and you are not here to tell me that everything is going to be just fine and that we are in this together. I've never pushed you away. You are the one who is always out with a girl that I've never heard about and keep going out with her even when the rumors about you being a couple has dominated the internet. I wanted to talk to you but you are always with her.And are we still a couple? Are we actually? Because you've spend more time with her in just a week than the time we've spent together the last month in total."

"She's just my friend! So you are going out with other dudes but I can't go out with my friends? It seems like you don't trust me enough because if you did you wouldn't mind me spending time with her."

"I met Grayson at my flight to Paris a while ago and I saw him today randomly when I went to the small café next to our hotel. I really don't get it though. Why are you even getting mad? You've been going out with your 'friend' for days and I went out with Grayson once! And the fact that you looked at me disappointed shows exactly the same. That you don't trust me either. A relationship should be structured with trust! Why don't you trust me?" My voice cracked at the end and I'm feeling my eyes getting watery.

"Because I'm an idiot." He says looking at me sad.

I turned my gaze at my lap.

"I hate this. I hate the space that we have between us. I do miss you but I honestly thought that time will help you clean your mind and understamd what you want. I have this thought, that you don't want to be here anymore... that you'd rather go back home and let me behind. I was scared that all this time that I let you by yourself you'd realize that I'm not good enough for you. I was scared... Emily knows it. We talked a lot about you and trust me it's crystal clear to her and everyone who is close to me that I really like you and how important you are to me."

"I actually thought that leaving you is the best for both of us. I felt like I was a weight on your shoulders and leaving was only going to make you feel better. Please don't say that you are not good enough for me. It's not true. Why didn't you tell me before that this is how you feel?"

"You were a mess Malia. You couldn't sleep, you didn't talk to anyone. I didn't want to add more worries to you."

It's the first time that we both talked freely to each other and expressed our worries and thoughts. I want to tell him everything that I feel but I know that our bond is not that strong at the moment. We need to work it out and expressing ourselves will become easier as time passes by. Shawn spent the night with me. We didn't talk about what happened hours ago but he told me that Sophia is leaving tomorrow and he's taking her to the airport. When we didn't have anything else to say, Shawn forced me to go to the hotel's gym with him. Despite the fact that it was midnight and I didn't have gym clothes, we went and Shawn gave me one of his t-shirts to wear along with my leggings.
When we were done I lied on the dirty floor of the hotel's gym and I was breathing heavily. Shawn joined me and with his hand he brought me closer to his sweaty chest. His lips placed a few kisses on my forehead.

"Good job."

I removed my head from his shoulder and looked at him. I could feel the tension between us. He's hiding something from me. I can see it in the way he's acting, the way he looks at me with that guildy expression across his face. The way that everytime my eyes meet his, his gaze is immediately removed from me.

His eyes finally meet mine but he immediately looks away again.