Texting / Shawn Mendes

Calls.

Home sweet home. There is nothing better than going back home after a long time. I didn't realized how much I missed it until I came back.

It has already been two days after our return back to Toronto but Shawn and I haven't spoken yet. I'm home all day, searching online for the "ideal" job but it seems impossible for me to find one. I want to balance my studying with a job that I'd like. The old cafe that I used to work at, closed and I was devastating when my mother said the news to me. It was my first job ever and I loved it. It was near my house, I met so many people there and I had the laughs of my life.

I know he's out all the time. I took my mother's phone and found all the 'details' online. He's out with her and I'm not willing to text him first. I'm not going to ask for any why's because he has already moved on.

I feel betrayed and he obviously isn't willing to give me any explaination. He doesn't have to. We are no longer together...

All I asked for was some space because I felt too much pressure with traveling all the time and pictures of me all over the internet. I wanted a job so I could move out and manage to control my financials by myself since I was going to a university next year.

But, he obviously couldn't wait anymore. I don't get it. If you love someone aren't you supposed to wait? If they ask for space why can't you just give it to them? Maybe use that time to think for yourself as well. Is she the one? Or have you already thought about it and came to the conclusion that she isn't the one? And maybe that's why he moved on.

Millions of thoughts run through my mind, messing me up. I need to forget him, but everytime I close my eyes I can see him. I can see his face so clearly that I can almost touch him. His appearance is so clear to my mind. I can see him laughing, talking... but not with me anymore. He doesn't love me anymore.

On nights like this one, I feel so lonely. I may be surrounded by people but when the one you need the most isn't around, you feel empty. My heart hurts without him. Just when I started to feel that I finally managed to find myself again, I lost it all.

And here I am now, lonely. Lonely because he's not here. I missed my room but I miss him more.

I wear his hoodie. I really want to feel close to him. I want him to miss me too but that's not possible. He didn't even let me explain. He just stood up and left the cafe. It felt like that's what he wanted too. Like he was waiting for me to say it and save him from that difficult position. Maybe he was already talking with her?
My mum entered the room and sat on my bed next to me.

"Did you find anything?" She asks and her eyes scan the screen of my laptop.

"Not really." I reply bored.

"Will you call him?"
I turned around and looked at her.

"Why should I?"

"To explain to him that you didn't run out of love for him but you wanted to put your life together."

"He doesn't want to listen."

"You haven't tried."

"Mum, he left. He doesn't want to know."

"Then call him and say it to him anyway. He needs to know."
And with that she left the room. I picked up my phone and stared at it. Should I call?

Before I could even analyze it, my fingers touched the 'call' botton.

"Who's this?" His raspy voice... I miss him so much.

"It's me."

"You've changed your number." He says mostly to himself.

"My number got leaked. I had to."

"Oh." Is all he says.

"So, what's up?" I asked feeling uncomfortable.

"I'm working on the album."

"Oh, I should call you later then..."

"No. Tell me. I'll take a break." And I can listen to the boys talking in the background.

"You don't have to..."

"Malia, tell me." As soon as he says my name, the voices in the background stop.

I took a deep breath.
"You didn't let me explain."
"I know."
"Why?"
I could tell that he felt uncomfortable.
"I felt stupid. I felt like I gave you all my love but it wasn't enough for you. I tried so hard to make it up to you for all the lost time but you still felt incomplete."
"So, you were with me just because you felt sorry for me? Because you broke my heart with your attitude and all this time you were just trying to make it up for me so you can feel better about yourself? That's what you are saying?"
"That's not...."
"I can't believe you! You are such a fucking idiot! I left my family behind for a fucking fool! How did I even believe you loved me? I'm such an idiot. You know Shawn? I'm sorry I wasted so much of your time. I don't need anyone to feel sorry for me. Feel sorry for yourself because you are the biggest liar I've ever met in my life." And with that I ended the call.

That night, I didn't sleep at all. Deep down, I was waiting for him to call me. To tell me that this is not true, that it wasn't all a big lie. I was expecting him to call me for one last time, just to say that he truly loved me and then I wouldn't even mind if we never spoke again. It will be a goodbye in order for me to feel that I gave my love, time and compassion to someone who decerved it. But, he didn't.