Carry Me Home

Forty-Six

Evelyn

"Write me one, Angel," Rowan begged, perched on the table and looking at me in the cutest way possible. I hate him. 

"I don't want to, Row." I said, closing my textbook and directing all my attention towards him. He had gotten paler and weaker as the months went by but he was still adamant on attending university daily. He wouldn't eat much either which led to his weight dropping dramatically and him being tired most days. I brushed my hand through his hair and tilted my head to the side with a sigh.

"But you love me."

"And for that reason I don't want to write you one. Writing a eulogy means you're accepting the fact that sooner or later your loved one is going to die. I don't want to accept that yet." Rowan let out a deep breath and captured my hand in his. 

"It's going to happen, Evie. Death is inevitable. If this doesn't kill me then something eventually will. So... please write me a eulogy."

"Fine," I grumbled, harshly packing my books back into my bag.

"Really?" His face immediately lit up and it almost - almost - put a smile on my face. 

"Yeah, I will. Give me a few days."

Most of my time was then either spent finishing off all of my assignments or adding things to Rowan's eulogy. Whenever I sat on my desk with the incomplete eulogy in front of me I had to restrain myself from crying continuously. He was going to die and I was starting to accept this. Death was never going to be my best friend because it kept on taking the people I loved. First my mother and now Rowan.

All of my leftover emotion and anger was spilled on to the paper and the eulogy was finally complete. 

I approached Rowan whilst he was watching UK Border Force on the telly. He turned the volume down when he noticed me and sat upright. He looked at the piece of paper in my hand and smiled, immediately knowing what words it contained. 

"So I take it that the eulogy is ready?" he asked, folding his hands and placing them under his chin.

"It is."

"Say it."

He smiled at me warmly when he noticed how tense I became and so I took one deep breath in and spoke. 

"When I first thought of doing this, I didn't really know what to say or how to sum up Rowan Hastings. He found me in one of the darkest moments in my life. I was alone and out of seven billion people on this earth I only trusted two. He soon became the third and for that I say thank you. He constantly made a space for himself in my life and I let him without even knowing. He broke down every single wall I had and he introduced me to a whole new world... but I don't want to live in a world without him. What's the point of there being an Evelyn when she doesn't have her Rowan?

"Our relationship was never perfect. We fought over trivial matters but our love for each conquered every single issue. I couldn't stay away from him for a long period of time and I believe Rowan shared my opinion. He soon became the place I called home and he carried me the entire way there. I know that I'm crying right now and that's because I'm hurting, but that's okay. Everyone needs to hurt once in a while to remind themselves that they're human and death is a completely human thing. 'The boundaries which divide life from death are at best shadowy and vague,' Edgar Allen Poe. For this reason, Rowan no matter where you are your presence will forever be beside me. Every single step I make in my life will be with your voice in my head. 

"The world has lost someone tremendous and we're all truly blessed to have witnessed this person. Row, I know the future is uncertain but I know I can always rely on you to carry me home." My voice began to crack and my sobs became louder. Rowan didn't move from his place though, he just sat there with one silent tear running down his face. He gave me a sad smile and encouraged me to carry on but I didn't want to anymore. "My entire being is literally shaking at the fact that I'm never going to see you or hear you voice again. You're going to be locked away in that coffin for the rest of my life and there's nothing I can do. I've never felt more useless then I feel right now, Rowan. I don't want to carry on with this eulogy and don't you dare make me." I fell to the floor and allowed every ounce of pain to wrack against my chest and to come out as heavy, destructive tears.