Teenage Wasteland {hood a.u.}

Chapter 4- Where I Left You

Sunday, June 23rd, 2013

Dear Dallas,

“Schizophrenia: a mental disorder that makes it hard to: Tell the difference between what is real and not real; Think clearly; Have normal emotional responses; Act normally in social situations.” That’s what they say about schizophrenia. I’m not schizophrenic. I know I’m not. I know the difference between real and imagination.

“Denial: disbelief in the existence or reality of a thing.” That’s the definition of denial.

“Depression: a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more-prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason.” That’s the definition of depression, I’m definitely not depressed.

“Anxious: full of mental distress or uneasiness because of fear of danger or misfortune; greatly worried;solicitous: Her parents were anxious about her poor health.” I’m not anxious. I used to be. I’m not anymore.

“Insomnia: trouble falling asleep or staying asleep through the night. Episodes may come and go (episodic), last up to 3 weeks (short-term), or be long-lasting (chronic).” This, this I have.

“Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder: a problem of not being able to focus, being overactive, not being able control behavior, or a combination of these. For these problems to be diagnosed as ADHD, they must be out of the normal range for a person's age and development.” I don’t have this, I’m not hyper.

It’s currently 3 am, and I’m sitting here. Writing to you. I don’t know how to get this journal to you. Do I mail it? Where do you live now? What’s your address? It’s pointless for me to be asking you this, though. You can’t respond because there is no way that I can get this to you.

“Paranoia: a mental condition characterized by delusions of persecution, unwarranted jealousy, or exaggerated self-importance, typically elaborated into an organized system. It may be an aspect of chronic personality disorder, of drug abuse, or of a serious condition such as schizophrenia in which the person loses touch with reality.” Phoebe and Nadia think I have paranoia. I don’t think I do. There’s nothing wrong with me. Right, Dallas?

I wish you were here with me to tell them that I’m none of these things. There’s nothing wrong with me. I promise.

There was nothing wrong with you either, right? I’m not the only one going insane, right?

Sometimes I wish that I was the one who had died. Well, you didn’t die. No one died. Because you’re coming home. You promised.

Dallas Crawford doesn’t break his promises, right? Neither does Jasey Crawford. Crawford’s don’t break promises.

It’s funny, Dallas. How people look at me now. I look normal, besides my red hair. But, people seem to look at me differently in the last month. I don’t know why. Some people think I need help. That I’m losing my mind, but I’m perfectly fine. Right, Dallas?

I’m sorry I’m really bad with writing how I feel, you know that. I just want to become a writer so I can embody someone else. Someone from my imagination can come to life. That’s why I want to write. I don’t want to write about myself. I want to be able to write about anyone or anything. Maybe even a teenage girl with mental illnesses.

I’m really excited about my date with Calum. Calum’s picking me up early in the morning so we can go on like a day out together. I’m excited. He said it’s a surprise, but we’re going out to breakfast too. Be happy for me, Dallas. I’m happy for you. Wherever you are. I hope you’re with someone you love, maybe even mom and dad. When are you coming home, Dallas?

I’ve been thinking a lot about this summer, I think I’m going to stay with Rae for most of this summer. I don’t want to stay at home. There’s nothing to do there, it’s basically dead without you.The little city seems so dead without you.

Maybe I am dead. No, I’m not. That’s morbid, I’m not dead. Maybe my mind is dead. Maybe that’s why I am how I am.

Rae’s parents have seemed to take a liking to me over the last month because I have been spending a lot of time with her family.

Mom mom and pop pop (grandma and grandpa) are getting ill. But they won’t leave me too, they promised.

I think I’m going to go insane without you, or maybe I already have. I’m not normal, that’s for sure.

I did well Junior year in High School, are you proud of me? I hope you’re proud of me. I hope mom and dad are proud of me. Mom mom and pop pop are. I don’t want to let you down. I don’t want to let anyone down. I feel like I’ve already failed this family by not dying. I should’ve been the one who died. I mean the one who left. But, unlike you, I would’ve came back.

I’ve been texting Luke too. He seems like a nice guy. Maybe a little too nice, he’s pretty shy though. It’s adorable, he reminds me of a small puppy. Even though he’s anything but small. He’s actually pretty tall.

All Time Low is going on tour soon, they’re coming to California. Hopefully I can see them. I really want to see them. Mom mom and pop pop don’t think I’m stable enough to go to a concert with all of the strobe lights and everything, but I’ll show them. I am stable. I’m fucking stable as hell.

Sorry for cussing, it just makes me mad. I am perfectly fine. Mom mom and pop pop have scheduled me a doctors appointment for June 31st, they said even though I’m staying with Rae, they want me to go to it. I guess I have no choice. Plus, check-ups aren’t that bad, right?

Besides the one check-up where they told you that you had cancer. But I won’t get any bad news like that, I’m healthy. I promise.

I’m going to try to sleep now, goodnight.

-Jasey xx