Teenage Wasteland {hood a.u.}

Chapter 15- Skin Deep

Sunday, August 18th, 2013

Dear Dallas,

I’m sorry. I’m really fucking sorry. I’m such a fuck up. If I fucking went with Rae to go to the supermarket with her she would fucking be here. She’s unconscious as of right now.

I’m writing to you while I’m waiting in her hospital room. She had a seizure while she was going to get groceries.

It’s all my fucking fault. It should’ve been me. She shouldn’t have gotten hurt. It should’ve been me. I should be the one unconscious. I should be you. I should be dead.

Bye,

Jasey.

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Tuesday, August 20th, 2013

Dear Dallas,

When you were here, did you ever just get sad for no apparent reason? Maybe it’s because I haven’t taken my pills since Saturday. I keep forgetting. That’s a lie, I don’t keep forgetting. I’m scared I might take too many.

I think I’d be happy if I took too many. I ruin everything anyways.

It’s all my fault. Everything is my fault. I’m such a shit friend. I fucked up. I should’ve gone with Rae to go to get groceries. I shouldn’t have let her go alone. I know her epilepsy is bad, but how was I supposed to know that she would have a seizure while she was driving?

Jesus, Dallas STOP FUCKING YELLING AT ME! I know it was my fault. I know it was. She’s still unconscious. It’s starting to worry me. I wish I was in the car. Her car was completely totalled. I’m starting to think that maybe it would be best if I wasn’t here anymore.

Like, when you think about it… All I do is fuck shit up anyways. Everyone would be happier with me gone. If I was out of the way. Everyone’s lives would be so much better if I was gone. Sure, they’d think about me every now and again but then they’d remember how much they want me dead.

I want me dead.

I don’t think I could ever commit. But, if there was a car coming towards me I wouldn’t try to get out of the way, does that make any sense?

I just really don’t want to be here.

I know this was my fault. Maybe, if I was born before then I would’ve been the twin with cancer. Everyone I love is dying.

Or is dead.

Maybe I should be dead too, you know. With you guys. They promised that Rae would be fine. But she is on ventilators. I’m really worried. I can’t lose my best friend. She means the world to me. If she dies, then a part of me dies too. I already lost most of my sanity when I lost you. I can’t lose all that I have left of it. Yeah I know, I have Calum. But honestly I’ve only known him for a short while. Can he leave that much of an impact on my life? Because honestly I don’t know.

I don’t deserve Calum. I should break up with him before he breaks up with me. He probably knows he’s better than me, or he should know that by now. I can’t do this anymore. I’m not perfect enough for him. I’m ugly, I’m fat, I’m not wanted.

I don’t even know why I’m still trying. I should just stop breathing.

Remember back in 5th grade when we were playing outside during recess on the swings? I miss that. Can we go back? Your shoelaces were untied so your left shoe flew off and hit Anthony in the face, that’s how we became friends with him. Of course he was mad and shit at you, but he got over it once his nose stopped bleeding.

Our entire friend group have been visiting Rae, leaving flowers and chocolates. At times like this I wonder if anyone would bring anything if I were in the hospital. Or, if anyone would even show up. I honestly doubt anyone would come and visit me. People hardly talk to me now. I think it’s because they know I’m fucked up. Actually, I’m not fucked up. I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.

When you were in your last couple of months -- in the hospital-- so many people showed up. I wasn’t shocked. You were the more popular out of us two (probably because everyone thought I was a freak). So many people were at your bedside 24/7. I wish I had that. I wish I had people who loved me.

-Jasey