Teenage Wasteland {hood a.u.}

Chapter 14- Does He Know?

<A/N I'd like to dedicate this chapter to everyone who's going through a tough time right now. Especially one of my closet friends, if you're reading this; I love you. Stay strong.>

Saturday, August 17th, 2013

Dear Dallas,

Hello there. I remembered to write for two days in a row! I should get a fucking medal or something.

Anyways I thought that I should share an inspiring quote with you. You remember Alex Gaskarth? From the band I like? All Time Low? Well, yeah. Well I like a lot of bands and everything but most of my favorite bands support the foundation ‘To Write Love On Her Arms’. Well anyways, I was on tumblr (I know I shouldn’t have one but whatever) and I saw this picture of Alex holding up a sign. The sign said “Suicide does not end the chances of your Life getting WORSE, Suicide eliminates the possibility of it getting better.” I don’t know why, but that really touched me. You know, like emotionally. I wouldn’t consider myself suicidal, but I wouldn’t say I’m the ‘happiest’ person ever. It kind of opened my eyes, if you could say that.

Killing yourself doesn’t just affect just you, it affects everyone around you. Everyone who loves you. But, I guess you would know that, right Dallas? How do you think your death was like for the rest of us? It was heartbreaking for mom and dad, but it was even more heartbreaking to know that I wasn’t good enough for them. Maybe when I’m dead it will be different.

I shouldn’t be talking like this, but I am. What are you going to do? Sue me? I’m going to hell. If there is one, I’m going to it.

It’s currently around noon. I got home at around midnight, and Rae was already home. I thought she was staying out for the night, but I guess I was stood corrected. When I got home she was passed out on the couch, watching Law & Order. We’re both obsessed with criminal shows, it’s a really bad habit and it needs to stop. Because we all sure as hell know I’m not stable enough to be watching shows about murder. ‘Wouldn’t want to get any thoughts, now would we?’ as my therapist puts it.

I think I’m perfectly stable. Hell, I’m more stable than my therapist, probably. I was on my period during my last session with her. You’re probably wondering why I’m telling you this, well it’s because I might have bitched out at her. I asked her what made her want to be a therapist, because you know that’s not something a normal kid would want to grow up to be. She told me that she liked morbid topics then dismissed my other questions.

Anyways, there’s this concert thing coming up called ‘Vans Warped Tour’ and Calum told me that he was going to take me. I’m actually really excited, but kind of scared. You see, the concert is like a giant mosh, there will be tons of bands and artists there so there will be more than one stage. Calum promised that he’d stay with me the entire time. I think the entire ‘clique’ is going too, plus Luke, Ashton and Michael.

I haven’t talked to Luke in a few days, I should text him.

…. Okay sorry I texted Luke and we made plans to meet up tomorrow and just hang out on the beach.

Calum and I have been spending a lot of time together recently, and I feel like I’m not seeing my friends anymore as much. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. They know I’m fucked up, so that’s probably why they’ve been staying away from me.

Sometimes, I still feel like I’m not wanted. Like, I mean I know that Calum wants me here. But, I feel like no one else does. I feel like you want me with you. We were like a package. I really miss you, Dallas. You don’t understand. I really need you with me. I know it sounds selfish, because you were the one who suffered; or whatever but seriously I need you.

It's been 4 years now. You've been gone for 4 years. I miss you. But, I wish you were here to tell me the right thing to do. I don't know what to do. I really just want you to help me with my "boy troubles".

Well, technically it hasn’t been a full 4 years, but it’s coming up, in October. I’m scared. I’m proud of myself though. I’ve done fairly well for going 4 years without you and 3 months without parents. I think I’m becoming close to accepting the fact that mom and dad are gone.

No I’m not. I’m never going to accept it. Everyone in my life fucking leaves. I mean why couldn’t you have had the choice? Wait.

Did you have the choice to leave me here? Is that why you did it? Did you want me to suffer here without anyone? Did you do this on purpose? Did you know mom and dad were going to die? Did you make mom and dad die? Did you do something so they’d purposely die? Are you killing grandma too? You’re fucking sick.

Or maybe it’s me-- who’s sick.

It’s me. It’s always me. I’m really sorry.

But, on a happier note, Calum told me he wants to read some of my poems and short stories. I gave him about 3 of my journals to read, and he said he will. That’s why he’s not here with me right now. It’s not because he doesn’t want to be with me. I’m sure of it. Right?

I’m really excited because Rae’s parents are signing the legal forms soon to become my legal guardians. I think Rae is excited too.

Rae and I are planning on going to the same college, I think. Rae has always been there for me and I want to always be there for her. Her epilepsy is gett-