“Personality disorders are a group of mental health conditions in which a person has a long-term pattern of behaviors, emotions, and thoughts that is very different from his or her culture's expectations.”
“Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is an often misunderstood, serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self image and behavior. It is a disorder of emotional dysregulation. This instability often disrupts family and work, long-term planning and the individual’s sense of self-identity. While less well known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness), BPD is just as common, affecting between 1 - 2 percent of the general population.”
Thursday, August 1st, 2013
Dear Dallas,
It’s been a couple of weeks. I’m sorry. I really am sorry. Believe me. I stopped taking my medication. It didn’t make me feel right. But I’m starting to think that it was a mistake. A mistake to stop taking it. I sold them. I don’t have anymore. I don’t remember who I sold them too though. I’d need to wait another week till I can get more. If I want more. I don’t know if I want more. They didn’t make me feel right. I didn’t feel ‘normal’. Or maybe that’s how normal people felt. I don’t know, I don’t know if I liked it. I don’t think I like it.
My therapist keeps giving me names. She keeps just keeps diagnosing me with mental illnesses. I’m starting to think she has no clue what the fuck she is talking about. She just keeps saying that there’s something wrong with me. I know there’s something wrong with me. I know that there is. But it can’t be that bad.
Nobody’s normal. Normal is boring. We all would be bland if we were all the same.
Different is good. Sometimes.
Am I a good different? Calum thinks I am. He told me that there was something about me that was alluring to him.
Thought-provoking. I am thought-provoking. He is thought-provoking, to me. He runs through my mind constantly. He won’t leave. He’s always there.
They’re always there. They won’t leave.
He told me that he remembers when he bumped into me and Drew. Calum was drunk at the time, but he told me that he remembered me. He told me it was something about me. I was different. He told me I am captivating. I was captivating, to him. He told me that he asked Drew who I was the next morning.
I am not beautiful. I am not skinny. I am not anything out of the ordinary. Why did Calum pick me? Why did he ask ME to be his girlfriend? I’m nothing special, really.
I’ve been having my nightmares again. Meaning, I haven’t been sleeping again. I don’t have insomnia.
“Paranoia: a mental condition characterized by delusions of persecution, unwarranted jealousy, or exaggerated self-importance, typically elaborated into an organized system. It may be an aspect of chronic personality disorder, of drug abuse, or of a serious condition such as schizophrenia in which the person loses touch with reality.”
They’re here. They’re still here. I can feel their presence. They’re back.
They left. They left for two weeks. Or three? They’re back.
They won’t leave. I want them to leave. It’s not me. It’s not my mind. It’s someone else. They won’t leave.
They say the more fucked up you are, the better your imagination. I must have a vivid imagination. I have one hell of an imagination, Dallas.
You’re coming home soon. They told me you’re coming home soon. They said you told them.
Or I’m going there. I need to see you, Dallas. Soon. I promise.
Calum says I’m different. That I’m not like any of the girls he’s talked to before. I don’t know if I take that as a compliment or not. I don’t think it’s a good thing. I know I shouldn’t be so worked up about this, but I am. I don’t want to be different.
I want to be different. But I don’t. I don’t want to be this kind of different.
My nightmares are getting worse. They seem so real. They are real, I think?
Remember that time when I woke up to your screaming? You had blood running from your arm because you hit the counter in the kitchen. It shouldn’t have bled that much. I should’ve known. It was from your cancer. We didn’t know that then. No one knew that.
I remember you standing in a pool of your own blood. It was awful, Dallas. Mom and dad were out to dinner that night with family friends. Why’d you do that to me, Dallas? I still remember it.
It haunts me in my nightmares.
Your pain is in my nightmares. I see them over and over again. There’s nothing I can do about it. There’s no escaping. Why’d you have to cause me so much pain? It’s not your fault.
Every single one of my nightmares revolves around OUR family. You, mom, dad, grandma, everyone. They need to stop.
What if something bad happens to me? Would I be with you?
Calum says that there’s nothing wrong with me. That this is normal. I don’t think he understands. He says that this is what happens to teenagers. Or so he read. But, I don’t trust that. I don’t trust that reading. This isn’t normal. I’m not normal.
I need to clear my head. I need to get rid of all these thoughts.
They’re haunting me.
Yours truly, forever and always,
Jasey
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Picture of Jasey in the sidebar thing. xx
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Teenage Wasteland {hood a.u.}
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