Drunk - A Phanfiction

Confusion

TW For suicidalness. 

Dan's P.O.V

Phil had his mum over to our apartment, so we thought it would be best if I were to stay out for the day; I'm guessing that she hates me enough.

On the bus, I decide to scroll through the YouTube comments on our new video... Why did I fucking do this? I knew what they would be - everyone does. It ranges from homophobic people basically wishing that Satan would come and murder us in our sleep, people who 'ship' us and 'fangirling' because it's confirmed and people just being kind about it. I like to think that the first category isn't part of our audience, but I know that's not true. Well, it is now. 

I can't help but feel immense guilt whenever I think about Martyn and how it's all my fucking fault. I've practically murdered my own boyfriend's brother - how is he going to cope?

To be honest, I wish his family (or Satan) would actually kill me at this point. It'd be better for everyone. Phil may be sad at first, but he'll get over it. Won't he?

Suddenly, a new video pops up on my recommended feed. I pull my headphones out of my pocket and plug them in, putting them on. It's a video of a man I recognise from photos Phil has shown me in the past of a friend he had in college. What?

I breathe in, clicking on the video. I wonder what this guy is doing with his life now? He was one of Phil's best friends, so it shouldn't be too bad - but something about this video makes me nervous. 

Hey, guys. This is Luke coming back at you with another video. Now, this is about the Dan and Phil drama. 

My stomach has already dropped at this. I already know this is going to be really bad. 

Being somebody who already knows Phil from college, I know a bit more about the guy than a lot of you guys - which means I also know that Phil has never been up for a gay relationship. The idea disgusted him. So is Dan forcing him? 

I feel as though I've just been stabbed through the chest with the sharpest blade known to mankind. Do people seriously think I'm r- r-... Forcing Phil to do things he doesn't want to do? I've had enough of a bad experience with that kind of thing to ever be able to do that to another human being. It's - It's just vile!

Think about it; does Phil ever really seem to be able to do anything in a video without Dan sort of overviewing it? It seems like Dan takes a seriously dominating role and is forcing Phil into it. Now - before you all say 'gosh! This guy is alerting the whole of the world before the Police!" I have alerted them. They have said that they will be looking into the case. In the meantime, however. Phil, if you're watching this... Don't let him do that to you. 

I turn my phone off in anger and notice that we are at the last bus stop. I get off and begin walking along to the bridge... 

Am I forcing Phil? Is he never going to look at me in the same way that I look at him?

I'm standing on the edge of the bridge, my breathing getting heavier - faster. Questions circling my head like a frenzy of animals all running together to chase after eachother. Each time I close my eyes, it must make my head go crazy, as when I open them, I feel dizzier than before. 

Dan... Just sleep...

SHUT UP! I can't tell if I'm screaming to myself inside my mind or if my words are audible. It feels like I'm screaming from the top of my lungs, but the people around me don't seem to notice. Was there even anybody there?

Phil... I start to scream that name. The name making me go crazy. Why would I scream that? Phil, video, YouTube, Richie, Schizophrenia-

Dan... I'm not gone yet. 

Hospital, depression, suicide, suicide, bridge...

Darkness...