Whispers

Falling In Love

I fell in love once. And I fell hard. I was so in love with her. She was my first girlfriend. We never met, but even my best friend could tell, and she helped me realize it. 

I fell in love one. It was wonderful. It was terrifying. It was amazing. It was fun.

I fell in love once. But then..it went downhill.

I fell in love once. But things happened. We broke up. Got back together. Broke up. Got back together. Broke up..for good.

I fell in love once. I was broken. I was hurt. I was crying. I cried my eyes out. I couldn't stop crying.

I fell in love once. I was broken, I felt abandoned, I felt I was never enough. I was never going to be enough. Not or her, not for anyone. 

I fell in love once.  I was ugly. I was broken. I was disgusting. I was annoying. I was sorry. I was always sorry. I never stopped saying sorry.

I fell in love once. I couldn't get over her. We still talked. I couldn't get over her.

I fell in love once. It took months. I couldn't get over her. But she moved on faster than I did.

I fell in love once. After months, I felt numbed. I learned to numb my feelings. I had no emotion. I didn't care. I cut.

I fell in love once. I was depressed. I didn't care. I felt nothing. It took months.

I fell in love once. But then....

I fell out of love once.

I fell out of love once. It took months. I couldn't let go, I didn't want to.

I fell out of love once. I stopped cutting, I made promises. I got over my feeling. I built myself up.

I fell out of love once. It took months. Best friend helped me. I literally couldn't have made it without them. They loved me. I needed them.

I fell out of love once. I started telling myself that they didn't know what they were missing. I was the best girlfriend they could ever have. I did cute things, I didn't let them forget I loved them. I was there for them.

I fell out of love once. I was slowly feeling again. It took months. 

I fell out of love once. I built myself up. I repeated the mantra, even though I still hated myself. I hated myself for doing the things I did. For being me.

I fell out of love once. It took months. My friends helped heal me, I tried t help myself.

I fell out of love once. I met someone new. 

I fell out of love once. The girl I met I liked. Then she needed me one night. I was there for her. She started to love me.

I fell out of love once..I started to like her, but I swatted my feelings away. I was scared of rejection again. I never thought anyone would like me, how could they? After everything I've done?

I fell out of love once...I never thought I'd date again. I never thought I'd love again. I never thought anyone would ever like me back, more than anything.

I fell out of love once...I was wrong.

~Late night thoughts~

--I don't know if I'll ever fall that hard again. I was obsessed with her. She was so fucking beautiful and amazing to me. She was everything to me. I fell so fucking hard. I cried a fucking river over her. After that I started saying sorry a lot and I distanced myself from my feelings. I still distance myself from them.

I'm awkward as hell. I'm more shy. I would never make the first move. I hide from my feelings, I think. I push them down because I thought they'd never be returned. 
I think I still push them away because I'm scared to feel them...~They're big overwhelming mentally exhausting forces that just...tore me apart before. So I'm scared of them now and I push them away. Maybe that's why I'm awkward. Or why I hold back from showing affection when I want to. I'm scared the other person won't feel the same or won't react the way I expect or want them to.

Written: 2/20/17~added onto 2/23/17