Whispers

Rant part 2

((Again you don't have to read this))

She took a piece of my heart.

That's all I can say.

This was going to be a poem, but fuck it. I'm going to rant.

She took a piece of my heart. I don't want it back. I can live without it. And I have. I've healed over it, and I can be okay without it. 

But if she squeezes it, I fall. I can still feel it outside of my body, and my spirit falls.

She pushed me away, and it hurt. But after it happened repeatedly, I stopped trying. I stopped texting her everyday. I stopped trying to help her. I stopped thinking about her. I stopped writing. I stopped reading. I moved on. And for a while, I was okay, I was pretty happy. There were moments when I wasn't..which actually happened more often than not now that I think about it. We hadn't talked in a while. If you asked me how I was, the answer varied. Once I was great. Most of the time I was good. Sometimes I was ok. Sometimes I was fine. 

Then she squeezed it again and I fell. I couldn't think of anything else but her words and I felt hollow. She still wrote about me, and she realized she'd pushed me away, but also felt too broken to bring me back.

I didn't know what to say. She'd written a speech. I was worried about her. I wrote a few words back, and went to bed. I still felt hollow.

The next day, today, I felt okay. Until I remembered what I'd read the past night. I checked my laptop, and it seemed everything is okay.

Then I decided to write this.

P.S. You're not the one for me. I know that. But of course that doesn't stop me from loving you or thinking about you. Me being me again.

~

Then there's someone else. My "best friend".

I say "best friend" because I don't know what to call her anymore. She always does this. Pushes me away and pulls me back in. 

"Whatever" "You're not helping" "never mind" "forget it". 

"I'm sorry" "you're my best friend" "You're so sweet" "I miss us" "Our inside jokes will never fail to be funny" 

Well...this time I told her to fuck off. I tried to help her, I tried to be nice, it wasn't even that big of a fucking deal!! But no she has to make it one. Well you know what? Go find someone else who will help your depressing,  broken ass and cry me a fucking river. Because I don't need you. Go cry to A, go cry to T, go cry to M. Go cry to someone else. But you don't deserve me.

But of course, me being me, I still hope you find happiness one day. I still hope that someday you'll be okay. I still don't want you to kill yourself. I still...care about you. 

Written: 4/19/17

PS. I told you I couldn't let go.