Whispers

Random Thoughts

Why am I not okay?

I don't know

Is she annoyed with me now?

Probably..

How does she feel?

I don't know

Why don't I ask?

Because she hates questions.

Why do I not speak?

I don't know what to say

Why do I feel pain?

I could probably list some reasons actually

Why am I frustrated?

Because I feel like things are repeating

Why am I mad?

Because of..reasons.

I'm not like her. She has hardened to protect herself. I bury the pain and try to be happy, and most of the time it works. But sometimes the pain comes back. 

I don't know who I am. I don't know who I want to be. I don't know what I want to do with my future. I don't know why I'm scared. 

I wish I could be happy, always.

I don't think I'm strong. Actually I don't know. Some people may think I am but maybe I like being weak. Maybe I like pity. I don't fucking know.

I've been feeling confident lately. With how I look. Maybe it's because I've been putting my wings on again.

I wish things weren't like this. I wish I could ask her how she is ever day, I wish she saw that I'm trying. 

I wish I wasn't so awkward, I wish I wasn't so unsure of everything. I wish I couldn't be hurt so easily. 

I wish I could talk to her, I wish I could be interesting. I wish I had things to say.

I wish I wasn't like this. But I don't know how to change, or if I can.

I know I've changed before though. Probably for the worst.

And I blame her.

I wonder what things would be like if she never came into life.

Because she destroyed me. But all I'm going to say is now I'm just annoyed with her. Sometimes even completely disgusted. Sometimes hurt. 

She fucking chose to leave me. And then I was done with her. So fucking done with all of her bullshit. All of her "brokenness". All of her truth that told me I was basically some monster. Her closer friend that she loves so much, her other friend that has "never left her and that she trusts with her life" even though she's never met her in real life.  Even though there are some parts I just can't let go, not yet. I don't know if ever.

I'm just...uhh! I'm frustrated because some people can't accept me for who I am, and I just..I don't know. I'm sorry but I thought I was talking to you, I thought I was interesting, I thought..a lot of things that weren't.  I thought I was okay.  I thought this would be different. I didn't think this would happen. 

//I think I'm done ranting. I'm calmer now, before I was just mad. And I kinda have been, but oh well. I guess I'll leave this up//

--3/22/17--

PS~

I chose this. I chose her. It was my own decision, because I felt like I loved her. I may still do. But for a while I was sure of it. Now that I see what I chose, I just don't know if I can handle it. But I'm willing to try. At least I hope.