Chaotic Mess.

32: You Were Never Mine!

I saw you in the moon light, silence hugged us and then slowly a smile creeped on your lips when your eyes met mine. Some moments are like finding a ray of light, walking on the empty road, feeling the rain on your skin or like catching your breath after being breathless. Your smile made me feel all those things at once.

I couldn't smile, I wanted to but something was holding my muscles tight. I needed to leave after this meeting, it kills when you let go of someone and try to move on but whenever that face come infront of you its like all the mountains of strength crush to pieces and slip from your hand like the desert sand.

You walked closer and held my hand and then you whispered, "It's good to see you after so long." My heart skipped a beat.

I extended my hand and gave you the small pendent with your name initial. It was something I wanted to give you as my memory, to keep it safe with you when I wouldn't be around. Something to remind you that I loved you and I existed once.

"Thank you. This is beautiful" you replied as you kept it in your jeans' pocket, giving me your signature boyish grin. How hard I fell for that grin few years back when I used to just stare at you with admiration but not having the strength to let you know that I was falling.

Ohh how badly I wanted to just give you that and leave, run away and never wait for the moment of my destruction. And then like a hurricane, the water in my eyes hit the shore and crossed the border.

"Don't cry, your tears make me weak" you softly whispered, your voice rang in my ears like a melodious piano tune. I felt your cold, shivering hand slowly touching my cheek and wiping the tear droplets away.

"I wonder how can you still smile as if it doesn't matter. As if all the days you spent without me never came. One year. You have no idea how much I suffered." I asked frowning, my eyes still glued on the wall infront of me and mind still lost in fears.

"Sometimes you have to! You were my saviour, my precious belonging. I loved you and I still do but...." you paused. I never hated "buts" as much as I hated them at that instant.

"I'm sorry for making you suffer. I feared that I will hurt you. You were better off without me and I shouldn't have come in your life. Should have loved you silently without letting you know. Never should have craved you to love me back. My love for you was the devil in disguise and now you are suffering because of me" I cried pouring my heart out as we leaned against the wall.

You stood straight, looked me in the eye and said, " its ok, I'm ok. Don't be sorry. You never knew and I can never hate you. I feel honoured because a girl like you loved me. You were a precious diamond and it was hard to believe that you can fall for an unwanted rock not so beautiful like you are. Even though we both knew we will never be together, it was once in a life time experience and I'm glad it happend".

I kept silent not having anymore words to utter. I was guilty for ruining your life. You kissed my cheek and then I wrapped my arms around you, for the last time to smell your cologne, listen to your heart beat. You hugged me back and then we let go to never hold eachother ever again.

Since that hug I've been cold. Where has all the warmth in the world vanished? I have no idea.

I hate myself for loving you so hard, for giving everything in me for your happiness because "My Love" you were never mine to keep. You were never mine to love.

You were never mine!"

.......