Issues

Struggle

It's 11:11pm. "Make a wish Em", I say to myself as I close my eyes and take a slow, long, deep breath as the cool nighttime air enters the open window and gently kisses my cheeks. Pursing my lips, I exhale slowly and release my wish through them, all the while keeping my eyes closed. I hear it all. The sound of tired business men and women making their way home after a extra long day at work, taxis angrily honking at each other, lovers sharing an intimate embrace, old friends meeting up for a drink, you name it. It's the sound of life. New York City life to be more specific. It's the sound of normalcy. It's monotonous. It's the sound of people living free and I hate them for it. Under that layer of hatred is the true essence of what I feel in this moment. Jealousy.

I long to be free of my past. I long to be free of my mind. I long to be free of my thoughts, emotions, and the damn images that never seem to completely escape me. I close my eyes and they haunt me whenever they feel like it. That's why this glass of bourbon occupies my fingertips, soothes my throat, and dulls my senses.  How can I just be me, Emily Fields, and not the monster that gazes back at me in the mirror? Instead, there is only a shell of a human being, a woman that used to have dreams, untapped potential, and an eagerness to love and be loved.

Lub dub... lub dub... lub dub... goes my heart. God, who knew it still existed. It feels like all that's left in there is hollowed out scar tissue. The sound of my vibrating phone on the kitchen table stirs me from my thoughts. Walking away from the window, I down the rest of the large glass of bourbon and check my phone. One new message from Hanna. "God, what does she want now" I say aloud. Opening up the text, I see a link to a website. "TMZ... God damnit, what now? What could they be possibly running" I ask myself. I take a deep breath and read the article aloud to myself. "We got her! Here's Emily Fields out again in New York City. Looking sexy as usual. Dressed in a skin tight, black dress and sky high heels, Emily is clearly out on the town to get drunk and maybe even take home yet another slutty looking woman. We've stopped keeping track of her body count. Sadly, sources say she did not have another drunken meltdown. In fact, she was spotted leaving alone and quite early in the night. What's with this mysterious woman?" Feeling the anger inside me rapidly warm my face and quicken my breathing, I feel the urge to throw something, hit something, destroy anything really. I settle for throwing my empty glass of bourbon across the room and against the wall. "Why can't these people just leave me alone? Haven't you people had enough fun picking at me? Move on to someone else" I yell at the top of my lungs. God I can't breathe. I've gotta get it out. I know, I'll go to my place. I'll release it all there. I can't take this feeling anymore. I need to breathe.