Issues

Why

Alison's POV

It's been 26 days since I walked out the door. It's been 26 days and I still cry when I think about it. Especially when I think about the look on her face when I walked out the door. I broke her. That's the last thing I ever wanted to do to her.

It felt amazing to be able to open up to her and tell her about what my ex did to me. There was so much love and kindness in her eyes as she listened to me. When she held me close to her chest and told me that it didn't change how she felt about me, I couldn't have been happier. Emily accepted this awful part of my life and still wanted me. Most people would have run in the opposite direction. Not Emily.

The moment she said that she needed to be honest with me, I instantly knew it was going to be bad. But in my heart, I was praying that what she had to say wouldn't change us forever. I liked where we were in our relationship. The moment she started telling me about her deployments and the person she became as a result of it, I felt my heart stop. All of these memories came flooding back to me and I just couldn't take it. I mean that was the last thing I ever expected to come out of her mouth. She's a model for God sakes! What model is a former soldier? When I got up the leave, the hurt in her eyes and the desperation in her voice broke my heart because I knew that I was breaking hers. She was opening up to me and trying to be honest and I just couldn't handle it. Part of me is ashamed that I couldn't accept this part of her when she so easily accepted mine. It's so unfair of me, but I literally almost died the last time I went down this road with someone. I can't go back to that dark place in my life. I may never be able to crawl my way out again.

I'm at work right now, charting on my patients. Mind can't help but think of Emily. She was so interested in my work and was so attentive to my stories about patients that have impacted me.

"Excuse me, I have a delivery for Alison Fairfield. Can you point me in her direction?" says a male voice from across the room.

"Ali, you've got a delivery. They're quite beautiful too", I hear my charge nurse say to me.

Who the heck would be giving me something? I swivel around in my chair and audibly gasp. I instantly know who ordered them for me. Behind the counter, an older man is holding an enormous arrangement of various colored tulips.

"Do you have a new special someone Ali? Someone clearly likes you" says my charge nurse as she winks at me.

I get up from my chair and walk over to the old man. I thank him and take them back to my station. Sitting down in my chair, I pause for a moment. There's a card attached to the arrangement with my name on it. Oh God I'm so nervous to read it. But God these tulips are beautiful. No one has ever bought me flowers like this before. I take a deep breath and open up the card. Inside, there's a simple, neat, handwritten note that says, "I noticed you smiled and admired tulips in the small floral shop window during our date. I hope you like them. And please. Come back to me. Let me finish explaining everything to you. I promise. I'm never going to hurt you. Please believe me. ~Emily"

Tears begin to well up in my eyes and I can feel my face getting hotter. An overwhelming sense of guilt builds within me and I feel like I'm going to throw up.

"Leeanne, can you cover for me for like 10 minutes?" I ask trying to conceal my tears. I get up and go to the one place in the hospital that brings me the most peace. The roof. The fresh air and peace and quiet always calms my soul. Bursting onto the rooftop, I gasp for air. Tears still flood my cheeks as I struggle to get a full breath. What have I done? Here I have this girl, still wanting me to be a part of her life even after I broke her heart. I'm just throwing it all away when I could be happy with Emily. I have to fix this. But how? I feel so ashamed of myself. After work, I'll make this right. I'll go home, freshen up, go to Emily's, and hope she still wants me back.