Issues

Knock

Emily's POV

It's been 26 days since she walked out my door and left me in pieces on the floor. It's been 26 days since I pushed myself to be honest and let my guard down. Look what that got me. I haven't tried calling or texting her to get her to hear me out. I've only sent her an arrangement of tulips with a handwritten note. That was about three days after she broke things off. It's been over 20 days with no response. My mind has long told me that she's not coming back. My heart on the other hand just can't let go. My heart still wants to give her time. Even that feeling fades on some days.

I must admit that I haven't had a drunken night, a night of meaningless sex with a stranger, or even lost my cool with anyone. I've just been very sad. I've tried to live by Walter's words of advice to allow myself to just feel even when it seems unbearable. Aria, Spencer, and Hanna have done their best to cheer me up. They've succeeded a few times. Hanna even booked me a few shoots over these 26 days. Traveling to India, Hawaii, and Iceland has helped keep my mind off of her at times. But then I'll see someone or something that reminds me of her and then I'm right back to square one.

I'm sitting on my couch in complete silence, looking at a blank TV, thinking about her. A sense of frustration is building in me and I can't help but feel a little ticked. I mean, I reassured her that her horrible past relationship wasn't going to be a problem for me. I wasn't going anywhere. I would never hurt her like that. But why the hell couldn't she accept me? For God sakes not every soldier is going to try and kill their partner. I tried to tell her I got help. I mean I'm trying to get better and heal these wounds. It's like she just shut me out and couldn't be bothered to extend the same accepting courtesy that I so effortlessly and genuinely did for her. The more I think about this, the more angry I'm becoming. I'm gonna text her and give her a piece of my mind. I get up off the couch to get my phone when I hear a knock at the door. I look at the clock and see that it's almost 11 o'clock. "Who the heck is at my door?" I say aloud to myself. It can't be the girls cause they all have a key. Maybe I shouldn't open it. It's getting late and it's probably not safe. But for God sakes Em, you're a solider. You've killed terrorists with your bare hands before. I decide to quietly walk towards the door to see if the person left. That's when I hear another knock. It's a gentle knock. I hear the person whisper, "Please" from the other side of the door. I decide to open it.

I swing the door open and there she is... standing there, looking right at me. I roll my eyes at her and say, "Go away" as I begin to close the door on her.

All of the sudden, I feel a forceful push back on the door and she says,"No" in a very assertive tone. I instantly turn my attention back to her and glare at her. I feel anger begin to build in me again.

"You'd better leave. Remember, I'm dangerous" I retort in an angry and sarcastic tone. I begin to close the door on her again, when she pushes back even harder. She quickly squeezes herself through the doorway, looks me in the eyes, and says, "No. I'm not leaving".

I have to admit. I'm a surprised by her assertiveness. She's caught me off guard.

Taking a deep breath, Alison relaxes her body and says, "Please, can we talk?"

I roll my eyes at her again and say, "Fine. Go ahead. But I can't guarantee you'll get a response out of me" as I close the door and make my way to the kitchen. I can hear her quietly follow me. I go to the sink and fill up a glass of water before I sit down at one of the kitchen's island bar stools. I take a sip of water and I can see she's struggling to figure out what she's going to say. "Well, you blatantly burst your way into my apartment and now you get all quiet? Say whatever it is you have to say" I tell her with a heavy amount of bitterness in my voice.

Alison looks up at me with a furrowed brow and says, "I'm so confused. Why are you acting like this?"

"Why am I acting like this?! Are you serious? You must be joking right now." I say with slightly raised voice.

"Yea. You heard me right!" She says taking a step closer to me, never breaking our eye contact.

Surprisingly, a jolt runs through me the moment she steps closer to me.

Raising her voice now, she continues, "I'm confused because you had the flowers sent to me today! You even left a handwritten note pleading for me to come back so you could explain yourself. Now, when I show up, you act like this?"

"What the hell are you talking about?! I didn't send you flowers today! I sent you flowers weeks ago and you never responded. You did nothing. You clearly couldn't be bothered with me anymore" I spit back at her as I stand up from the chair, towering over her by a few inches.

Pointing her finger and poking my sternum, she spits back, "Nice try, no you sent them today".

Pushing her hand away, I angrily reply, "Don't poke me! What are you? Five years old? And yes I sent them to you three days after you walked out that door even after I looked you in the eyes and begged you to stay".

Stepping back, Alison replies, "Well then there clearly must have been a mix up because I just got them today". Looking down at the floor, she continues, "They were tulips... my favorite. They were beautiful. And... your note. It made me cry".

At this point, she starts tearing up. And at this point, a war breaks out between my mind and my heart. My mind is screaming to stay strong and not cave in but my heart wants to forgive her and make up.

"Oh" is all that manages to come out of my mouth as I look down at the floor. I'm starting to believe that she really did just get them today.

"Emily?" Ali says softly. "Look at me. Please".

I hesitate at first but then look at her.

"The moment I read your note, I realized that I've made a huge mistake. I'm such an idiot. You accepted my baggage with open arms and made me feel safe. You made me feel like I could let my guard down with you. I feel like the real me when I'm with you. I've never felt like that with anyone".

Taking my hands, she continues, "Emily, I'm so sorry I hurt you. I feel awful and completely ashamed of myself. I never should have acted the way that I did. I should have stayed and listened to what you had to say. It's just you caught me off guard and my defenses went up. I got so caught up in self preservation that I neglected your feelings and cast you aside. I'm deeply sorry. I want to continue building upon what we've already established. Can you forgive me?"

I can see in her eyes that she's being genuine. I can see that she really is sorry for hurting me. But God. She really hurt me. Is it smart to just forgive her so easily? Ugh I just don't know!

"I... I just. I need some time to think" I say while nervously wringing my hands.

I can see that these words were not what she was hoping to hear. I can see that she's fighting to conceal tears about to fall down her cheeks. "I understand" she gulps as she begins to head for the door. I can hear her sniffling and I can see she's wiping away tears as she walks away.

A horrible feeling overcomes me. The sight of her walking away again makes me want to throw up. The battle between my mind and my heart begins again. My heart is screaming for me to make her stay. My mind is screaming to take my time and think.

She's almost at my door. My heart is racing. My breath is quickening. My anxiety is building. This is do or die Emily. Make a choice.

I burst out of my seat and run towards the door. She reaches out and begins to open it. I reach the doorway and shove the door closed. Alison jumps and freezes in place in total shock. I turn her around to face me. We're both breathing heavily, only inches apart from each other. We've never been this close. My eyes wander to her lips then back to her mesmerizing blue eyes. I want to feel her lips against mine. I want to take this step. I think she does too.